Alright Hamilton!

Leading By Example In Fort Myers

2011-03-04T13:48:00.005-06:00

As most spring training games move past the third or fourth inning, the younger and unproven ballplayers enter the game and the fans put their feet up. It's the middle of the magical six-week period when major-leaguers teach the young prospects how to be a professional. Kirby Puckett taught Torii Hunter, and Torii taught Denard Span. Now Denard teaches Ben Revere and Aaron Hicks. They'll talk strategy in the dugouts and behavior in the restaurants, though mostly the older pros will lead by example. Sometimes Denard tells Ben Revere to throw the ball with more authority, but it won't sink in until he watches the starting center fielder fire one from the track to nab a guy at third. Showing is better than telling, and teaching kids is the same way.

I get paid money to hang out with an 8-year-old kid. He supposedly has special needs, but he doesn't have any needs that any other 8-year-old doesn't. Basically, we just do fun stuff and I teach him proper behavior by modeling it. He learns by observing. One day we decided to go sledding at a small hill in south Minneapolis. I love sledding, or as non-Minnesotans call it, sliding, but I haven't properly dressed for the activity since I was 13 years old. At some point in our late adolescence, most of us forget how to dress for the cold winter. We outgrow bib-style snowpants and decide changing from boots to shoes at school in the morning is not cool. Wearing tennis shoes when it's negative ten fahrenheit is cool.

But tennis shoes were never good for sledding. So I was particularly excited to hit the slopes because I again had a pair of proper boots. My buddy had purchased them at a thrift store and then immediately forgot them at my house, so I claimed them as my own. They probably hadn't been worn in a couple decades, though they were everything a boot should be - comfortable, bargain-priced, smelly, and stylish in a 1970's kind of way - like a Chinese restaurant. My girlfriend's cats even liked them.

We parked on Bryant, just across the street from the hill. The kid got out to grab the sleds from the trunk while I sat in the drivers seat and pulled on my boots. But when I stuck my left leg in the boot, I felt something on the underside of my foot. It was small and soft, like a ball of leaves or scrap of fabric. My foot came out and my hand went in to explore. I grabbed it. I pulled it out. I watched as my fist opened and revealed a small, furry, dehydrated, balled-up dead mouse.

It's moments like these - unexpected, shocking, disgusting - that a man's soul is truly revealed. He has no time to calculate the situation and cover his inner thoughts. It's just pure reaction.

I freaked out. I screamed like a girl and jumped out of the seat as the mouse flew from my hand. I got out of the car wearing just socks, but I couldn't feel the cold pavement on my feet. I was shaking and screaming. The people and kids probably thought I'd lit myself on fire. This was no way to behave in public.

The kid understood completely. He didn't say a word as he climbed into the car, found the dead mouse, picked it up by its tail and tossed it into a snowy lawn.

I thought I was going to be the teacher that day, but the kid ended up showing me appropriate behavior. Hopefully, learning about baseball is a two-way street in Fort Myers as well. Maybe next time Scott Baker is afraid to pitch inside, he'll remember watching the fearless Kyle Gibson in March. When Aaron Hicks doesn't complain about the fences, hopefully Justin Morneau will notice and just hit. And maybe next time I'll react more appropriately when I find a dead mouse in my boot.

CraigsList is Pure Entertainment

2011-01-31T11:31:00.000-06:00

I've bought and sold a few things on CraigsList, but the amount of transactions is pretty tiny compared to the amount of time I spend browsing the site. Holy cow wow I love browsing the site. It's a slice, nay, a snapshot of humanity, in all it's disgusting hypersexuality and materialism.

The job section can be very interesting, although it's overwhelming because there are so many different types of jobs in so many places. There are 31 different categories of jobs on CraigsList, not including a section just for part-time work. And I love that they included an et-cetera section, just in case a job listing doesn't fit into any of the others. I can imagine someone (in a cowboy hat) asking, "so, what line a work you in?" and I'd reply, "et-cetera."

Basically, every single job listing is written in such a way that makes their position sound absolutely wonderful. Like this one, under the vague heading Project Manager:

A fast growing wholesale business is looking for the right individual to make a huge impact and to help lead the company in growth. Specific responsibilities are: strategic sourcing and vendor relations, accurate fulfilling of custom orders and managing all operations. Other job duties could include margin analysis and pricing and special projects.

Grow with the company. Sounds so loving and co-operative. Also, these ads never tell you how hard the job will be. Sure, they list job responsibilities, but they always sound so simple and easy. Strategic sourcing? Great, combines two of my favorite activities. Vendor relations? Sure, whenever I see the guy refilling the coke machine, I say hello and ask him for a free coke. Managing all operations? How hard can that be?

Must have a strong project management background with excellent organization skills. Must love details, analysis, decision making and getting things done. Must have strong software skills and be a quick learner in all Microsoft products.

If they're looking for someone who LOVES details, analysis, decision making and getting things done, they might as well just build a robot. Seriously, some poor sap who needs this job is going to walk in there babbling on and on about how he's loved details and analysis since he was a little kid. Can you even imagine the kind of environment that values those lame characteristics so ridiculously high? The employees probably cut loose after work by rigidly cleaning their cubicles.

Alright Hamilton update and bonus Lost Post

2011-01-21T13:55:00.000-06:00

It's not very warm outside, and to make matters worse, (or better?) the Twins are officially without Nick Punto. No, worse. Once again, we've hit a lull at Alright Hamilton. That's just how it goes. To brighten the mood, I've dug up a very short and unpublished piece about how my room mate is driving me LOCO. Originally penned in October, so some of the references to tropical temperatures may seem especially dated.

What does a squirrel eat? What is my roommate? The answer to both these questions is nuts. She always has her electric space heater running. Today is October. It's warm in October. Yet she still has it blasting away every. minute. she's. home. Yes, that includes OVERNIGHT.

Her space-heater love affair drives me crazy for two reasons. The first is because this behavior makes no fucking sense whatsoever. It's not cold outside. It hasn't dipped below 55 degrees overnight since last March, for pete's sake. The behavior makes even less sense when you consider that she is a fairly environmentally conscious person. She uses her bicycle a lot, she's a crazy-good recycler and she watches wild conspiracy theory environmental documentaries. So you'd think she'd be into energy conservation. Her misuse of her space heater runs counter to her personality, at least as I see it.

I'm convinced it's just some OCD tic or some odd psychological dependence thing. And her nuttiness is rubbing off on me. Now I pace the kitchen asking myself how to solve this problem and how to bring it up to her. Which leads me to the other reason it's driving me nuts: I have no idea how to solve this problem. I'm a reasonable man. I believe that every problem has a solution, even if it involves some tough decision making. This problem has no solution, which is probably on a count of how the problem is ludicrous in the first place. I shouldn't be bothered by this, but I am. I can't talk to her about it, because she has every right to run that thing all the time.

Anyway, here's my solution: a fake flyer, which I'll place in our front door, as if some environmental agency is out spreading their message. I designed it, but only wrote two of the bullet points. See if you can tell which two are mine:

Summing up the Wonder of the Internet

2010-12-10T13:01:00.002-06:00

This is what happens when CraigsList, Google and Twitter work together in brilliant harmony.

Step 1: Stumble on a ridiculously overpriced item on CraigsList:

Step 2: Call them out by writing them a secretly snarky e-mail: (the other ornament mentioned in this message is a 1987 edition, listed here for $20.)

Step 3: Tweet about the amazingly high price and the inaccurate date of the items in the CraigsList ad.

Step 4: Receive two replies from the CraigsList ornament seller:

In between messages, the seller googles my e-mail handle, and replies with this:

AH! Turkey Coloring Contest IV

2010-11-25T13:18:00.000-06:00

Do you guys feel like doing this again? I suppose it's a tradition at this point. Like wearing pants outside or giving the finger to Mike Rowe while explaining to no one in particular that people can't honesty come up to him all the time and ask, "Why Chevy, why now?"

Past winners: 2007, 2008, 2009.

email (haasertime at yahoo.com) them or post a link in the comments section. Good luck!

How Not to Display Your World Series Trophy

2010-11-11T11:54:00.000-06:00

The Twins announced a few planned improvements to their not-quite-new ballpark yesterday, including a big video board in right-field, more radiant heating and wireless. They will also try to eradicate some of the glare issues from the batters eye that the Twins constantly complained about, as if that were the reason Michael Cuddyer had a sub-par year. Still, it will probably have a greater impact on the teams performance than any other offseason move. (*hack*coughEricHacker)

What's most disappointing about all this is how Twins missed the opportunity to right a wrong. They should move the World Series trophy out of the exclusive Champions Club and into a public area. The only tangible items from Minnesota's only professional championships rest in a plush club reserved for the beautiful people. I bet Les Straker can't even afford to see the '87 trophy, and he helped win the damn thing. When the Twins were in the Metrodome, they had them in the lobby of their front office, which was accessible to anyone who wandered in from Puckett Place or the stadium concourse. But this was when the Twins were cool and didn't pander to the rich folk. It's kinda silly. It's like if the Declaration of Independence was the center piece of some la-ti-da restaurant for American financial barons and capitol lobbyists.

I wondered if this were standard practice around Major League Baseball. So I called and asked every club that had won a title since they began awarding the Commissioner's Trophy in 1967.

Diamondbacks ('01) - Lobby of front office.
Red Sox ('04, '07) - "Front office reception area"
Braves ('95) - Museum
White Sox ('05) - "Case by gate 4"
Reds ('75, '76, '90) - Hall of Fame
Royals ('85) - Hall of Fame
Marlins ('97, '03) - "Front office gate 4"
Angels ('02) - Display in main concourse
Yankees ('77, '78, '96, '98, '99, '00, '09) - Hall of Fame
A's ('72, '73, '74, '89) - Front office lobby
Mets ('69, '86) - Museum
Pirates ('71, '79) - Admin lobby - but "only one of them is here."
Cardinals ('67, '82, '06) - The trophies are currently in boxes, or something. They have no official home while they await construction of the Cardinals Hall of Fame in the adjacent Ballpark Village.
Giants ('10) - The only team I couldn't get a hold of. They probably haven't even decided yet.

These five teams don't care about their fans -
Dodgers ('81, '88) - Front office. Sounds like you'd have to take a tour to see them.
Tigers ('68, '84) - Champions club
Orioles ('83, '70) - Club Level
Blue Jays ('92, '93) - Admin lobby "but probably need a club level ticket to get there during a game"
Phillies ( '80, '08)- "In an office, not available to public."

So the Twins are definitely in the minority. If you want to see the 1987 and 1991 trophies, you'll need to be well connected, or rich, or stupid. Probably all three.

Or you could take a tour or check them out at TwinsFest, but that would defeat the point of this "research article."

Ryan Adams & the Art of Challenging Your Audience

2010-11-06T03:04:00.004-05:00

In the history of music, there has never been an artist as skilled and musically erratic as Ryan Adams. When a popular music figure makes music unlike an earlier and more popular release, the critics always say they are "challenging their audience." And Ryan Adams is the king of that phenomenon, to the point that his fans have either accepted the challenge or turned away confused and jaded, like a NASA scientist who couldn't quite cut it.

Every time a band releases something like Pinkerton or Music from the Elder, there are two inevitable questions. 1) Is it any good? and 2) What's the meaning of this? That second question is almost more important than the first, because music listeners tend to take their favorite artists direction very personally. Everyone wonders what the hell they're thinking, even if it's actually decent music. They question the motivation of putting something out that doesn't sound anything like the successful hit album from two years ago. Is it a joke? Have they gone crazy? Am I seriously expected to enjoy this?

The two aforementioned albums represent good examples of the whole challenging your audience vibe. KISS's Music from the Elder wasn't a very good album. It wasn't good at all. It was, in fact, awful. The motivation behind it only made the ordeal worse. KISS was fading out of the 70's pretty fast - losing their devoted fans by softening up in order to reach a broader fan base. All the kids took a long enough break from trying to sew cow tongues into their friends mouths to notice that the band cared more about merchandising than making rock n' roll. Gene and company knew their album sales were slipping because of the softened image and music of the band, so he decided to do something drastic - a concept album written and recorded with the help of a symphony orchestra and a manager who later admitted that many of the disastrous creative decisions were due to his severe cocaine addiction.

The mark of a true artist is to work their craft from the inside out, without thinking of the audience. That KISS album clearly demonstrated that the band (Gene and Paul) motivations were not of an artistic nature. But the same can't be said for Rivers Cuomo and Weezers' follow-up to their break-through debut album. Everyone hated Pinkerton when it came out, citing Cuomo's emotional lyrics about sexual longing and half-Japanese girls, which stood in contrast to the Blue Albums' fun and nerdy vibe. He must have taken the criticism to heart, because Weezer hasn't released anything as heartfelt or honest (or half-way decent) since. When people look back at the album, they realize it was Cuomo making the music he felt at the time.

The problem with Ryan Adams is that he's consistently, absurdly erratic. No one could possibly enjoy all of his music. His accessible albums are pretty musically diverse, but the outliers are so far out there that they make those regular albums feel as predictable as a hipster scoffing at your bicycle. Is there another musician as wildly diverse as Adams? Prince has done a lot of different things over the years, but not that different. (though it would be hard to find, even among the hard-core Prince faithful, anyone who enjoyed Hot Summer or Purple and Gold.) Bob Dylan and the Rolling Stones have both had inevitable phases and flops, but they generally stuck to one genre. Ryan Adams is different.

He started out in the band Whiskeytown in the mid-90's, which Rolling Stone called "the Nirvana of alt-country." Without really listening to much of it, I'll just describe it as country soft with a punk punch. That's where he started. Now let's look at a bunch of songs that illustrate his song output since then. We'll move chronologically, but just remember that Adams didn't move from soft to hard, he bounced all over the place - last year he released sweet acoustic songs and satanic metal.

To completely over-generalize, I'd call this song pretty typical of 70% of his catalog. He's singing slowly and beautifully to a girl, but there's definitely an edge.

I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
Behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would

This is rockn'roll, but there's no distortion or anything. That's why folks were fairly shocked when Adams came out with Rock N Roll. I guess they could ignore his very low-key punk side project with Jesse Malin, The Finger. But they couldn't ignore this:

This album received very mixed reviews from critics and fans, but Adams reputation as a great alt-country songwriter certainly took a hit. He calmed down for the next five years with the his backing band, the Cardinals, but then word came out that he was releasing his first "fully-realized sci-fi metal concept album."

And the thing is, you can't exactly tell why he's making that amazing piece of art or, say, a satanic, pizza-oriented black metal project with a debut album entitled, "Feel the Laser." Is he fucking with us? Does he really like it? Does he really expect us to like it? Is this some sort of jab at his record label?

Luckily, Adams has been doing this for so long that people have stopped asking those questions. (they're still asking about Metal Machine Music, though.) We've come to understand that he has a real interest in many types of music, and he enjoys playing different stuff. Not only that, but Adams has a really silly sense of humor, as evidenced by his website that opens with this message:

Welcome to the new PAX•AM Records site

My Name is Bongo the Snowman – I’ll be updating you on new releases and news related the PAX•AM roster – with bands such as Ryan Adams, Ryan Adams & The Cardinals and more eclectic tastes such as Ryan Adams. I live on an invisible mountain in the sky. Good Morning.

Or the time he hijacked his wife's Twitter account: (click for large)

This is what makes him fun to follow. He has to be having fun making music. And the results can fall anywhere from terrible to amazing, from hilarious to sincere, and everywhere in between. Ryan Adams can challenge me anytime.

Alright Hamilton MailBag: Offseason Questions

2010-11-04T01:38:00.002-05:00

The offseason is officially underway and things are already getting interesting. The Twins have picked up Jason Kubel's option and declined Nick Punto's, but they're far from done. Here are some letters I've received wondering about the direction the ballclub will take this winter.

Q: I know the Twins have a lot of guys who aren't under contract for next season. Who is coming back and who isn't? I really hope we bring back Brian Buscher!
- Mrs. Buscher, Jacksonville, FL

A: Alright, maybe I'm not ready to answer these kinds of questions. Why does the cold beginning have to happen so soon after the bitter end? It's a serious swing in expectation levels. It was just one month ago that the Twins were in the playoffs. I was in Target Field, watching Michael Cuddyer hit a home run off C.C. Sabathia. I swear it happened. It was the peak of a years worth of excitement and hope. It was the best Twins team on paper in recent history in the first year of a grand new ballpark.

And now we're starting over again, just like it never happened? Well, I don't know if I can do it. Everyone is telling me not to be satisfied when the Twins win the division. I'm supposed to ask for more. I'm supposed to expect more. I'm supposed to will that notion upon the Twins management and players.

That 'World Series or Bust' mentality, when coupled with the soul-crushing Yankees looming around every corner, creates a neat little bumper-car complex inside the head of the average Twins fan. I mean, how can we look at anything they do, on or off the field, without our subconscious saying, "So what? How will this help them beat the Yankees?" And I'll guarantee the media, the players, the coaches and the front office have that question in the back of their mind too.

Q: Will the Twins be active on the free agent market this year? It would be nice to get Cliff Lee!
- Leo Spaghetti, Pine Trees, MN

A: Maybe I'm overreacting. I've always thought that being a baseball fan is different because relaxing actually increases the enjoyment. If LaTroy Hawkins starts walking guys while the Twins are down by five in the 7th inning, just relax and get another coke with those ice cubes that are the size of jelly beans.

So that's what I'll do during the season - relax and enjoy the ride. Even though they serve regular, boring ice cubes now.

Q: What's your favorite Mick Jagger movie role?
- Janice Rhinestones, Muckluck, WI

World Series Preview

2010-10-27T14:48:00.007-05:00

Like most baseball fans, I have no rooting interest in this years World Series. The Yankees have already been eliminated, leaving two underdog-type teams to fight for their first title in a long time (or ever). I suppose I'll cheer for the Rangers, since they're the ones who knocked off New York. Besides, I like when the American League asserts their dominance over an obnoxious NL team.

I thought about trying to attend at least one World Series game this year. It's pretty cheap to fly to the bay area, but you'd better pack a kayak - tickets to AT&T Park are ridiculous. It's actually less expensive to fly round-trip to San Fransisco than it is to get into any of the game. On StubHub, the cheapest you'll find for tonight's game is $515 bucks. On CraigsList, there are more people begging for tickets than actually selling them. And they're probably all serial killers.

I’ve bought and sold a few things on CraigsList, but the amount of transactions is relatively tiny compared to the amount of time I spend browsing the site. Holy cow wow I love browsing the site. It’s a slice, nay, a snapshot of humanity, in all it’s disgusting hypersexuality and materialism.

Every section has it's own quirks and humor. The job section can be overwhelming because there are so many different types of jobs in so many places. There are 31 different categories of jobs on CraigsList, not including a section just for part-time work. And I love that they included an et-cetera section, just in case a job listing doesn’t fit into any of the others. I can imagine someone asking, “So, what line uh work you in?” and I’d reply, “et-cetera.”

Basically, every single job listing is written in a way that makes that position sound absolutely wonderful. Like this one, under the vague heading Project Manager.

A fast growing wholesale business is looking for the right individual to make a huge impact and to help lead the company in growth. Specific responsibilities are: strategic sourcing and vendor relations, accurate fulfilling of custom orders and managing all operations. Other job duties could include margin analysis and pricing and special projects.

Grow with the company. Sounds so loving and collaborative. Also, these ads never tell you how hard the job will be. Sure, they list job responsibilities, but they always sound so simple and easy. Strategic sourcing? Great, combines two of my favorite activities. Vendor relations? Sure, whenever I see the guy refilling the coke machine, I say hello and ask him for a free coke. Managing all operations? Well how hard can that be?

The ad continues to the qualifications section.

Must have a strong project management background with excellent organization skills. Must love details, analysis, decision making and getting things done. Must have strong software skills and be a quick learner in all Microsoft products.

If they’re looking for someone who LOVES details, analysis, decision making and getting things done, they might as well just build a robot. Seriously, some poor sap who needs this job is going to walk in there babbling on and on about how he’s loved details and analysis since he was a little kid. Can you even imagine the kind of environment that values those lame characteristics so ridiculously high? The employees probably cut loose after work by rigidly cleaning their cubicles.

Oh right, World Series. I think the Rangers are really good at getting things done, even though San Fransisco manager Bruce Bochy is excellent at strategic sourcing and managing all operations. Cliff Lee loves details, analysis and decision making, so he'll definitely shut down the Giants offense.

Rangers in 6.

Nothing Really Matress - Fire Gardenhire?

2010-10-11T12:49:00.000-05:00

Well, that was disappointing. It wasn't crushing, though. At least the Twins had the dignity to get dominated, rather than suffering heartbreaking late-inning losses. The home team also primed their fans for disappointment by losing a load of games at the end of the season, wiping out any momentum and fan excitement. Now it's time for fans to figure out what went wrong and then turn those quick solutions into hashtags. Let's see how deeply pointless we can get.

Some fans are blaming only The Magical Walrus for the pathetic postseason record. Others are saying that it's not his fault. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

A manager has two basic jobs. The first is game management - drawing lineups, managing the bullpen and making tactical moves. These decisions don't matter much unless the game is close, and they're usually not tough to make if the team is good. The second isn't really measurable or noticeable, so the stat people don't talk about it - leading. Managing all the personalities and motivations of 25 players isn't easy, especially over the course of 162 games in six months.

Did Gardy make so many tactical mistakes that it cost the Twins the series? I don't think so. Did he not get his players to play? It's up for debate, but basically impossible to know. Yet I strongly doubt that he needs to tell these guys how to win. These guys have all been there before.

But if you want Gardenhire gone, then you should also cast away Jason Kubel and everyone else who has been sub-par in the playoffs. (nearly everyone)

If you wanted to really solve the Twins postseason failures, from an organizational perspective, you should look at what wins games in October that might be different from winning a division. (power bullpen, ace pitcher, power and speed.) Those are problems worth discussing. The managerial situation is not.

Indeed, it was pointless for me to write this, and pointless for you to read it. Because the bottom line is this: Ron Gardenhire isn't going anywhere.

2010 Playoffs - High Fashion

2010-10-06T15:19:00.004-05:00

There are a lot of emotions heading into the Twins - Yankee division series. These feelings of fear, pride and hope can't be put into words, but they can be expressed with the help of The Family.

The 20 greatest Twins Sports Illustrated Covers

2010-09-28T18:10:00.006-05:00

20. 3/17/03 - I didn't care to read Frank DeFord's article on Kirby Puckett. All I know is that the cover made me extremely sad, and the piece pissed off the Twins so much that no players or executives would ever talk to DeFord again. You can read a really good critique of the article here.

19. 7/5/82 - The Twins were certainly awful their first year in the dome, losing 102 games. But Hrbek was the face of that great bunch of rookies (Gaetti, Brunansky, Viola) who would become the nucleus of the '87 championship team. And you gotta love that red batting helmet.

18. 7/18/77 - A hokey shot of Ted Williams with Rod Carew. I guess it would have become a legendary cover if Carew had hit .400 that year, but he finished at .388. This is a dumb cover because all of Ted Williams' attempts at analyzing hitting turned out to be stupid, wrong and ego-driven. I hope Rodney completely ignored him.

Carew also graced the cover of TIME magazine that summer, which probably has stood the test of time much better than this.

17. 6/29/09 -Tom Verducci is a hack. Can't a national sportswriter find a Joe Mauer angle that doesn't include tired Minnesota cliches? Surely Mauer is interesting enough to find something else. Wait, what?

16. 7/29/69 - Billy Martin doesn't look particularly fiery in this picture. But that attitude would end his only year managing the Twins after he punched out his own player, Dave Boswell. The Twins would win the AL West that year, but were swept by the Orioles in the first ever ALCS.

15. 10/4/65 - I guess this is their attempt at being artsy. That's AL MVP Zoilo Versalles. Or his hands, anyway.

14. 4/10/78 - Rod Carew and George Foster. Photographer: "alright, give my the good baseball player bad baseball player routine." Carew: "can I be the good one?"

13. 10/19/87 - Twin killing. Gagne turning a double play. I get it. Major League copied this headline when the fictitious Indians went on their amazing winning streak in montage form.

12. 5/15/61 - The Twin Cities are officially Big Time. Well, sorta. Manager Cookie Lavagetto looks like he's just taking a break from painting his house. Which he had plenty of time to do later that summer, because he was fired just five weeks after this issue hit the newsstands.

11. 7/1/74 - When this photo was snapped, Rod was on his way to the third of four consecutive batting titles. How did he do it? Until this cover, no one knew.

10. 8/7/06 - Did he win American Idol that year? I didn't watch the show, so I can't say for sure.

9. 8/23/65 - Going into the 1965 season, the Yankees had won the AL pennant 14 of the past 16 seasons. (!!!!) This cover helped tell the world that the dynasty was over.

8. 4/6/92 - This is a cheesy shot, but it's a sentimental favorite. This picture was also used on his '93 Topps. It's too bad Mickey Hatcher and his giant glove were long gone by then. They could have had some fun.

7. 10/21/91 - This was the start of three straight weeks of Twins covers. Brilliant headline here, twisting the title of a David Lynch TV series, and sealing the deal with the "American League Pinnacle" line.

6. 11/4/91 - This isn't as great a shot as the 1987 championship pile, but I like how they let the picture speak for itself by not including a pointless headline. I can't imagine SI doing something so minimalistic nowadays.

Fun fact - almost no issues of this magazine exist in Minnesota, because they were destroyed in The Perfect Storm/ halloween blizzard.

5. 10/28/91 - Ohhh Danny Gladden. That's a classic shot, although I think this one is better.

4. 10/26/87 - The Twins were on the cover for three straight weeks in '87 as well. I love it. In 2010, I can't imagine baseball going for three weeks straight during football season. (cover #13 was came first, then Gladden, then...

3. 10/2/87 - The Champs! That's a good photograph. You feel like you're right in the middle of the pile. Kent Hrbek is under there somewhere. A lesser man would have been crushed.

2. 4/30/01 - This is my favorite because I remember buying it and staring at it in pure amazement. Of course, the Twins could only hold on for about four more months, but the foundation was laid.

1. 9/27/10 - I don't need to tell you why this cover is great, but I will anyway. The Minneapolis skyline, the blue sky, the great Thome swing while wearing that throwback. The Garrison Keillor reference. The stadium. And it's a fantastic article written by a fantastic writer (and the inspiration for this piece). Of course, this cover will look even better if Thome indeed brings October magic to Minnesota.

Craig Finn Does It Again

2010-09-23T11:28:00.013-05:00

This song kicks a whole bunch of ass. Craig Finn, leader of The Hold Steady and a Minneapolis native, recorded this song with something called The Baseball Project. I'm not sure what that is, but I know they rock. The song is entitled "Don't Call Them Twinkies," and sounds like an upbeat, rocking Hold Steady song. But the lyrics are the pure genius, and speak of a true Twins fan experience. (see the rough transcription at the bottom of this page)

You may remember The Hold Steady from their so-so Twins-themed cover of Take Me Out To The Ballgame. Craig Finn is a lifetime Twins fan - he even has a 20-game package to Target Field, although I haven't spotted him there yet.

This also could spell the demise of the nickname "Twinkies." There has been a small underground campaign against the term for quite some time, but I doubt if the general population knows about that backlash. This should create a whole legion of annoying fans, eager to correct someone when they say,"Twinkies."

Here's what Finn says about the song:

I wrote the lyrics quickly on tour about a year ago, and then over the next few months played with a few lines that bugged me over time. My intentions were twofold: I wanted to remind people of the proud history of my team, but also to try to capture the language that real sports fans have when boasting or arguing about their teams. I love living in NYC but I really don't like Yankee fans and the way their team outspends everyone and calls it part of baseball. I had to bring up the fact that the Twins win at baseball in a more admirable way than teams like the Yankees. I had to bring up the awfulness that was the Braves fans' Tomahawk Chop in the 1991 World Series. I had to bring up Ron Gant, and his infamous brush with Kent Hrbek at first base.

I recorded the vocals this summer at Wild Arctic Studio in Brooklyn with Dean Baltulonis, who knows just about nothing about baseball. I ended up having to explain all the references to him, and when he heard about the Ron Gant play, he suggested we do a harmony on that line, just to make it stick out. I liked that idea.

Since collaborating on the song with The Baseball Project I've gone to the new stadium a few times. Downtown Minneapolis is so alive, the bars are bustling, and the Twins are winning. It's a great summer, and hopefully this song is some way of giving back some of the joy that the Twins have given to me.

Anyway, here's a link to the streaming audio at The Current.

Please Don't Call Them Twinkies

In 1965, I wasn't quite alive yet
But I'm told they gave the MVP to Zoilo Versalles
Oliva hit the singles and Harmon hit the homers
Mudcat Grant won twenty games and we didn't play in a dome yet
The Dodgers came to Bloomington to play for the World Series
The Twins took the first two, you can even ask Vin Scully
but Sandy Koufax proved to be a bit too much to crack
and the Twins went down in seven but they vowed that they'd be back

From Nicollet to Hennepin, from St. Paul to St. Cloud
The Minnesota Twins are making Minnesotans proud
and we don't buy our titles, so there's summers where we stink
But these are grown men, these are heroes
So please don't call them 'twinkies'

In the fall of '87 I was pretty much in heaven
I got my license and a girlfriend, the Twins had won the pennant
I prayed more in the dome than I ever did in church
Kirby Puckett had the smile, Kent Hrbek has the smirk
First we tamed the Tigers then we were dealt the Cards
And they came to the Twin Cities tried to make sense of our park
It was loud and it was close, and it went to seven games
But the Twins took home the title and that Sweet Music played

Edina to Duluth, from the south side of downtown
Minnesota Twins are making Minnesotans proud
so hear us make some noise, c'mon wave those Homer Hankies
These are grown men, these are heroes
please don't call them 'twinkies'

in 1991 the Twins were once again on top
we faced Atlanta in the series, and they thought that they were hot
And I ain't seen somethin' so lame as that Fonda-hawk Chop
But we were up against the ropes when Kirby called his shot
And as he ran around the bases, smilin', pumpin fist
We all knew that he had won it, and it was only just game six
And the next night Jack Morris came and made his hometown proud
You should watch it in slow motion:
Ron Gant was clearly out.

From Mankato up to Brainerd, from Burnsville to Bemidji
Now we're playing outdoor baseball and that's the way it should be
Raise a toast to Kirby Puckett, raise another to Tom Kelly
They're the Minnesota Twins
So let's not call 'em 'twinkies'

We got Justin, we got Joe, that's enough reason to party
We don't buy our titles but we still won two World Series
So grab yourself a 3.2 beer and raise a toast to Gardy
They're the Minnesota Twins
So please don't call them 'twinkies'

Homer Hanky History

2010-09-22T14:31:00.007-05:00

Everyone knows the two famous Homer Hankies, the ones that directly contributed to the World Series Championships of 1987 and 1991.

These are the classic Homer Hankies. The font and simple slogans were great. They were perfect for their time and place - they just fit right in there.

The next Homer Hanky came in 1997:

As you can tell, these Homer Hankies really aren't technically Homer Hankies, as I believe the Star Tribune owns the rights to that name. But that didn't stop the Twins marketing machine from calling them Homer Hankies and giving them away to fans during the 10th Anniversary celebration of the '87 championship.

The next "Homer Hanky" came in, you guessed it, 2001.

This atrocity is more like a golf towel than a hanky, but whatever. This was given away at the 10th anniversary celebration of the '91 championship.

Then the winning Twins came back, and started making the playoffs again. The return of the genuine Homer Hanky was a much anticipated event in the Twin Cities.

This Homer Hanky is just okay. It has the classic look of the red baseball, but the block lettering is ugly. And the slogan "PROUD AND LOUD" is being overly loud and proud of the loud, to the point of football fan-esque conceit.

The 2003 Homer Hanky strayed from it's roots noticeably, but it's not so bad. The blue is actually kinda badass. However, this would be the last time they went in this direction.

The 2004 Homer Hanky is really pretty cool. I'm not sure if they got the dimensions correct of the field at the Dome, but it's an original idea and still incorporates the old school feel, what with the horizontal red lines and everything. The block lettering is still ugly though; almost as ugly as Jason Kubel's at-bat against Mariano Rivera in Yankee stadium that October.

Somehow, the Twins made it back into the playoffs again in 2006. A classy, circular design was incorporated. I dig it.

The Twins and the Star Tribune pulled out all the stops as they commemorated the 20th anniversary of the '87 championship. The bi-colored, fancy logo and return to that classic type face make this Hanky really stand out. It was given away to the first 40,000 fans on Saturday, August 18th 2007.

This is the 2008 Homer Hanky, which was never available to the public because the Twins lost to the White Sox in the AL Central Tie-Breaker game. They simply reused the already printed hankies for the 2009 Homer Hanky. Going green = jinx.

Here's the ugly 2010 Target Field opener souvenir Homer Hanky. They just took the inaugural TF logo, slapped come non-congruent banners above and below it, then added more corporate logos. This barely counts as a Homer Hanky.

The 2010 Homer Hanky is, again, without a year, but is otherwise a nice design. Maybe the Twins will place an over sized version in Minnie and Pauls hands at Target Field. That would be neat.

The super obscure Homer Hankies are only myths, really.

Just look at that thing. It boggles the mind. Apparently, it was printed at the beginning of the 1988 season. The slogan is pretty damn funny, and it turned out to be ironically prophetic. The Twins were actually better in '88 than '87, winning 91 games, but they failed to make the playoffs. Fuck you, Oakland.

And there is a rumor that the Twins printed a Homer Hanky at the beginning of the '92 season, but I can't find a picture of that one. If you have one, let me know. I can only imagine what the slogan was.

Further reading: The story of the first Homer Hanky.

note: this post appeared in original form on September 4th, 2007.

Weekend Blog Notes Post

2010-09-17T12:22:00.005-05:00

Updated AL standings: (Tuesday morning)

Yankees         91-59
Twins             90-60    1
Rays               89-60       1.5
Rangers    83-66    a bunch

If it were 1968, the Twins would be in the middle of a massive pennant race, just a half game from the World Series. The game is certainly slower, with lower stakes now, yes?

I suspect Gardenhire will give some guys a break and start setting the playoff rotation. Which is fine, because the Twins will host the first round of the playoffs no matter what. But it's natural to go for the number one spot after dispensing of the White Sox.

Clinch

The magic number is eight. Here's the obligatory sentence explaining what the previous sentence means: any combination of eight Twins wins or White Sox losses and the division is officially wrapped up. So, the earliest the Twins can clinch is Monday, but that would only come if the Twins won their next four games and the White Sox lost their next four.

Division clinch night could be a long one, since the White Sox head to the west coast on Monday, meaning their games won't be over until about two hours after the Twins are done. Here's the best case scenario: Twins win their next four in a row, White Sox win one over the weekend, but lose Monday night, whittling the magic number to 1 going into the Tuesday game. Twins win. Take a lap. That's that. Although it would be neat to celebrate at home during the daytime on Wednesday afternoon.

But don't be surprised if they clinch in Detroit next weekend.

White Sox - Lovable Losers?

There was an interesting take in the Chicago Sun-Times today by something called a Rick Morrissey. He basically says he'll take the chaotic, unpredictable ride that the White Sox provide over the Twins steady winning ways. The author clearly has a huge home-town bias, but it's a natural blow back to all the, Twins do it the right way garbage that people in Chicago hear all the time garbage. (including from their own manager.) I think the whole column is a bunch of crap.

I'll ask all you admirers of the ''Twins Way'' which you would prefer: A franchise that year after year does things by the book or a franchise with a feuding general manager and manager that has the 2005 World Series title in its possession?

Well, maybe he has a point.

Brent Lillibridge - Lovable loser with a great sense of humor? (This is the last time we'll have to mention the White Sox this season)
Light-hitting White Sox infielder Brent Lillibridge got some press earlier this week for tweeting about his midnight date with a video game store. Yep, he stood in line late Monday night for the release of the new Halo game, which reminded many Twins fans of Lew Ford (although he was an old-school nerd.)

The part that I find funny about the whole thing is Brent's lame Twitter bio.

Play for the Chicago White Sox. Have a great sense of humor. Have a great wife, come join me on the magic carpet ride.

Who says, "I have a great sense of humor."? Is this eHarmony? He must laugh at all his own jokes.

Or maybe he's just trying to be funny?

Fanatic Jack - free to be you and me

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a short poem about Twins curmudgeon, Fanatic Jack.It was meant to be a playful jab, but Jack apparently took it hard. After he mentioned the ode on his podcast (14 minutes in), he announced he was done with Twitter. Which is truly a shame, because I really did enjoy his opinions. The Twins blogosphere is rich with differing thought and opinion, and that's what makes it great. If everyone felt the same way and had the same things to say about the Twins, the internet fan experience would be very boring. To borrow a phrase from Savoy Brown - wouldn't it be a real shame if we were all the same?
_________________________________________________________________________
Have a good weekend, dudes.

Twins Wreck White Sox

2010-09-15T08:00:00.002-05:00

Frank did fine, but seemed to throw wild after he got a bit frazzled.

Last nights MVP:

Jesse Crain struck out Paul Konerko and Manny Ramirez with the bases to preserve a one run lead. Great Job.

He was the Crainwreck earlier this season, and was almost released. Then he became the Crain Train. How is this possible? Asian titanium ion balancing necklaces? Braided hemp necklaces? Buca shell anklet? Something non-jewelry related?

How did he get that nickname, anyway? Crain-Train. It's genius. Perhaps a scout said his fastball looked like an Amtrak. Or maybe his father worked for Canadian-Pacific, and he called young Jesse, My Little Engineer. Probably something even more witty and cool. But the long, complicated story behind it will probably remain unknown to the general public. Forever.

Gopher Football Free Verse

2010-09-14T02:59:00.000-05:00

South Dakota??
South Dakota..
South Dakota!!
Brewster "feels your pain",
After another perplexing performance.
And now he must go.

Student sections half empty.
Weber whines pessimistic.
"Unacceptable" results.
Please go away soon.

Where is Mason?
Free, untethered to new heights.
Where is Brewster?
Rock bottom, out of sight.

The pass drops from the receivers palm
Flies away, away. away.
bouncing from the campus.
Brewster should go along.

The part where I jinx the Twins by talking about the playoffs

2010-09-13T06:07:00.098-05:00

The Twins start a three-game series on the south side tomorrow night. It's nice to know that we're no longer looking at the central standings, but compiling some standings of our own:
UPDATED

Yankees        88-57       - -
Rays         87-57    .5 GB
Twins            86-58     1.5 GB

Those are the best records in the American League. The playoff picture is pretty darn clear, especially compared with the NL, but there are still some interesting things to look for in September. ITSET (if the season ended today) the Yankees (best record) would face the Rangers (worst record) while the Twins would host the Rays. Starting the playoffs at Target Field? Great. We're not greedy - we're Minnesotans.

But heck, one look at the standings will tell you that the Twins have a real shot at locking up home field for both the ALDS and ALCS. Not only would it be nice to have a bunch of games at TF, but it would really change the way the fans, media and players view the Twins. If they pulled it off, they would probably have the most wins in all of baseball. Now, grabbing one more win than the Yankees in the regular season won't convince everyone that the Twins are a better and World Series bound team, but it might change a few minds in the clubhouse.

Or I'm just looking for some sort of reason to believe the Twins can beat the Yankees in the playoffs. Last year, I convinced myself that they had a better shot than ever because of the way they streaked into the postseason. Of course, they streaked right back out.

Unless the Rays win the east, the Twins wouldn't have to face the Yankees until the ALCS (assuming they beat the Rangers, who just swept them in Texas.) So here are my two questions:

1. If you had to face the Yankees in the playoffs, would you rather face them in a 7-game or a 5-game series? It stands to reason that the better team will win over a longer period of time, and the underdog has a better chance taking a short series. However, this hasn't exactly worked for the Twins in the past. (If the Rays won the east with the best record in the AL, the wild card Yankees would have to travel to Minnesota.)

2. Would winning the championship without defeating New York be as satisfying? Would you rather lose in the World Series after beating the Yankees in the ALCS? Or would you rather win it all but miss the Yankees?

An Ode @FanaticJack

2010-08-27T21:38:00.001-05:00

Here it is late August, and the Twins sit in first place
They've played so well, there may not even be a race.
By most standard metrics, they are on the right track
but one fan begs to differ, his name's Fanatic Jack

It's hard to understand why Jack's opinions have become
so negative that he calls each player a bum
To the frontier of pessimism, and never looking back
A maniac on a computer: that's Fanatic Jack.

He only tweets while the Twins are losing the game
come down with schadenfreude, and a need to assign blame.
but regardless of motivations, he just has a knack
to push peoples buttons; indeed he's Fanatic Jack.

Do you remember Randy Quaid in Major League Two?
He's just like that, with a more extreme point of view
As he sits on his computer writing another attack
He smiles to himself and says, "I'm Fanatic Jack."

If life is about happiness and spreading it around
Then Jack is what he calls Gardenhire: A clown
I'd hit unfollow, but I just can't do that,
Cuz it's too fascinating to read Fanatic Jack

You Can't Write Good Songs Because You're Over the Hill

2010-08-20T14:14:00.005-05:00

Tupac was shot dead at age 25. Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Buddy Holly and Jim Morrison all died when they were just 27. By the time The Beatles hit 30, they were disbanded. Like baseball players, it seems musicians and song writers have usually peaked when they enter their 30's.

The below list is the top ten songs of all time, according to a Rolling Stone story done in 2004 which polled 172 musicians, critics, and music-industry figures. I've added the ages of the artists when they wrote each song.

Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan - 24 years old
(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction - Rolling Stones (Jagger/Richards) - 21 years old
Imagine - John Lennon - 30 years old
What's Goin On - Marvin Gaye - 32 years old
Respect - Otis Redding - 24 years old (made famous by Aretha Franklin when she was 25)
Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys - Brian Wilson - 24 years old
Johnny B. Goode - Chuck Berry - 29 years old
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana - Kurt Cobain - 24 years old
What'd I Say - Ray Charles - 28 years old

Obviously, this is a small sample size and the ten songs are pretty arbitrary, (Nirvana?) but it supports my argument. The average age of the songwriter on this list is just 23.6 years old. To put it another way, the average age of the songwriter on this list is just 23.6 years old. To me, that's wild and crazy, kids. Can you think of another career you can master at that age? Exotic dancing? Track and field? That's all I can think of.

It's hard to understand why no one makes relevant music past their 20's. Anyone who does has probably already broken through and will never make another record or song as good as the one that made them famous. Bob Dylan has had a wonderful and long career, and made plenty of great albums past the age of 30. (Desire, Blood on the Tracks, Infidels, Time Out of Mind.) But in the three year period from 1963 to his 25th birthday in 1966, Dylan released six great albums (some better than others - Freewheelin', Times They Are a-Changin', Another Side, Bringing It All Back Home, Highway 61 Revisited, Blonde on Blonde.)

It's fair to say that teenagers and 20-somethings drive the music industry, so it's understandable that no artists in their 30's ever really break into the charts. Now that I'm 27, it's funny to listen to a 25-year-old Prince sing When Doves Cry or a 26-year-old Slash play the opening chords of Night Train. So when you're in your 20's, climbing the ladder of your industry, feeling like a kid, just remember that most famous musicians had mastered their craft and were living an unbelievable lifestyle at that very age.

Scott Baker...YOU MAKE ME WANT TO SMOOOOKE!!!

2010-08-18T16:07:00.003-05:00

I now understand what went through Mel Gibson's mind when he had a roflmao moment on the phone with his Ex. Watching Moon Shot give up hits where you can see tails of flames coming off the ball makes me say horrible things about women.

Jim Thome, you make me happy.

Orlando Hudson, you are my current favorite Twin.

John Rauch, DFA, anyone?

Kubel, fifty f*cking bombs.

Wow guys, this blog is dead. We need to throw in a new character like ailing sitcoms do. Is that dumb chick who was obsessed with Steve Urkel available?

Delmon Young makes me go crazy with happiness

2010-07-28T13:27:00.005-05:00

What do you think Mr. Talking Badger?

He looks really uncomfortable when not hitting in his customary 7th spot.

Twins Twitter Followers Sing!

2010-07-20T14:04:00.003-05:00

During Friday's game, a few of the @minnesotatwins twitter followers got to lead the singing of 'take me out to the ballgame'

A good time was had by all.

__________________________

There's been a lack of activity around here lately. No one has felt like writing anything. Or even explaining why they don't feel like writing anything. I'm taking a step back for a bit. It's possible that I've been driven crazy over the amount of coverage of Carl Pavano's mustache.

Philadelphia Phillies Stream of Consciousness

2010-06-17T23:21:00.005-05:00

The Twins finished up their homestand by practicing their take-out slides at second base against Ubaldo Jimenez and the Rockies, which helped them to drop to five and four on the homestand. Next, they head to Philadelphia to take on Ryan Howard and the Phillies. I don't know much about the two-time defending NL champs, but I know I like their uniforms. Do any other professional teams make such use of that burnt-maroon color? What's that color called anyway? Regardless, I think it's great. It's a trademark color, easily identified with the team. Of the top of my head, here are the only other quintessential baseball team colors in the bigs:

Marlins = teal
That's all I can think of. You could say Dodgers branded with blue and the Reds with red, but there are tons of pro teams that use those generic colors. I guess there are even a bunch that use teal. But there are none that use the Phillies shade of red/brown. See? It doesn't even have a name.

Anyway, the Phillies are 34-30 headed into the weekend, trailing Atlanta and New York. Notice that? The Twins get to play the top three teams in the NL East. Maybe the AL Central and the Twins will finally gain some respect once they turn them into mince-meat. It would be a real black eye if they failed to do so.... And they're off to a nice start after losing two of three to the Braves last weekend. Gee-whiz.

So Roy Halladay is pitching against the Twins on Saturday. Big deal. Unlike Ubaldo Jimenez or Johan Santana, the Twins have faced Halladay many times when he was with Toronto.

Note: In eleven starts against the Twins since 2001, Halladay is 8-1 with a 2.73 ERA.

Also, Nick Punto finally gets the chance to face the team that traded him away for Eric Milton. That should provide some motivation.

Prediction: Phillies take two of three as Twins field Sunday lineup including Punto, Valencia, Plouffe, Tolbert, Harris and Butera.

A Unique Vantage Point - Target Plaza.

2010-06-17T10:27:00.005-05:00

Last night my friends and I decided to bicycle down to Target Field and hang around outside on the plaza. It was a nice little evening, and I highly recommend the experience to any Twins fan who doesn't have tickets to every game.

The plaza is a beautiful space, with green grass, huge baseball gloves and topiaries. Although the field isn't viewable, there are speakers carrying the radio broadcast of the game placed throughout the plaza. Which allows you to follow the action while you sit on that big gold glove or eat a sandwich. Also, you can bring your own beer and drink it all on the plaza. Of course, picturing me sitting cross-legged on the concrete drinking a beer and eating a sandwich outside a sports stadium might make you think I have nothing better to do. Or perhaps I wandered over from Mary's Place.

But I do. And I didn't.

I'm just drawn to Target Field like a moth to a lamp. It's fun to be around fellow Twins fans and soak up that outdoor baseball atmosphere. And make parents feel uncomfortable while they snap pictures of their kids on the big glove while we drink beer behind it.

BONUS:

Here's a really junky video I shot last night. As you may have noticed, i've had an awful case of bloggers block lately, so I was playing with the idea of doing some video blogs. Result: poor. I need to get an external mic and write down material prior to shooting the piece.

Are injuries part of the game? Nah, let's complain anyway.

2010-06-15T14:48:00.010-05:00

Nice disabled list management, Twins.

First, J.J. Hardy injures his wrist sliding into third base on May 4th, after which he was placed on the DL on May 6th. He finally came back onto the roster on May 25th. In his brief time between DL stints, Hardy hit just 5-for-38 with two RBI. After a cortisone shot and watching his batting average tumble from .250 to .217, Hardy returned to the DL. He hasn't swung a bat in weeks.

Adding to the problem is Orlando Hudson's wrist that was injured when he banged into Denard Span on May 30th. The Twins thought he'd be good to go a couple days later in Seattle. But he wasn't instead. Finally, finally, he was placed on the DL on Tuesday, June 8th, a full nine days from when he was injured.

Which is fine, except that everyone not named Delmon Young has been scuffling lately. Re-enforcements from triple-A aren't doing much. Plouffe, Valencia and Tolbert can't hit second in the batting order. They're like 3-for-40 hitting in that spot, or some other made-up statistics that illustrates futility. Indeed, the call-ups from Rochester are making Twins fans wish for Alexi Casilla, but he quietly landed on the DL a couple weeks ago.

I blame the nurses strike.

UPDATE:

From LaVelle's blog:

Hudson can hit righthanded but is unable to hit lefthanded and it's not clear when he'll be able to. There is a chance that he won't be ready to play in time for the three-game series in Philadelphia this weekend. So second base might continued to be manned by Matt Tolbert and Nick Punto until further notice. Trevor Plouffe remains with the club, and no roster move has been announced. Danny Valencia is in the starting lineup. J.J. Hardy said his left wrist felt a little better, but he's not yet ready to swing a bat.

Alright. Closed circuit to Twins GM Billy Smith: Update your trade deadline NEED list to include a shortstop and a second baseman.

Teaching BronxBoi sabermetrics: BABIP

2010-06-04T00:19:00.005-05:00

This is probably a terrible idea, but our judgment here at AH! is often clouded by our gigantic bleeding hearts for those that are uninformed. In this spirit I will attempt to educated the always-controversial Bronxboi in the ways of sabermetrics. He tried his own hand at sabermetrics, and I don't think anyone but himself was too impressed. So, in our first (and possibly last) installment we will be learning about BABIP.

Soup: You ever hear of BABIP?

Bronxboi: UP YA NOSE WITH A RUBBA HOSE!

S: alright, great. Got that out of your system?

BB: TWICE AS FAR WITH A CANDY BAR! Hahahaha. I'm so JK-ing. Yeah I know a lot about Bopit. I beat my nephew, Brian, at it like 4 times in a row last Easter.

S: No, idiot. BABIP! Batting Average on Balls In Play.

BB: I like the "Flick it!" It reminds me of when people in cartoons get boners.

S: My god.

BB: Remember when the priest on the Little Mermaid got a boner?!?! That shit was CA-RAY-Z

S: Seriously, focus for a second. This is important. BABIP is important in evaluating both pitchers and hitters. It gives you an idea on...

BB: What's Jeter's?

S: Well, I don't know off the top of my head. I'll look it up.

BB: I bet it's really good. Proly like 100.

S: No. The highest BABIP you can have it 1. League average is around .300, but it varies depending on specific players. If a player is young or in his prime and his BABIP drops significantly below his career norm and his flyball, groundball, and linedrive ratios stay relatively the same...he's probably been the victim of bad luck.

BB: Derek Jeter creates his own luck. Oh, and I'm sorry. I suppose the New York Yankees just lucked themselves into 27 World Series Championships?!?! Whatdaya think of your lucky BABIP now, sir? Irregardless, I think it's unconceivable.

S: Well, I tried.

Perfecto Devalued: 1998 Twins say thanks.

2010-06-03T04:31:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time in Yankee Stadium, Tom Kelly's Twins couldn't manage to get a runner on against lefty David Wells. The 35 year-old had thrown just the 13th perfecto in the history of major league baseball. Perfecto is spanish for Perfect. Minnesota didn't exactly have a team of all-stars in 1998, trotting out players like Brent Gates and, I'm not kidding with this one.. Jon Shave.

It was a depressing time to be a Twins fan. The Yankees were on their way up, helping push the gap between the rich and the poor in baseball. And along came this half drunk, overweight 35-year old with a mustache to completely embarrass the poor team from Minnesota. At the time, this moment was a very big deal.

It's not a big deal anymore.

Before David Wells, there had been only 12 perfectos in modern baseball history. Since then, there have been five.

Indeed, it seems that almost anyone can throw a perfect game these days. Dallas Braden threw one this month. So did Roy Halladay. Jon Sanchez would have pitched one last season except for an error committed by his shortstop. Mark Buehrle got his last year.

Of course, there's poor Armando Galarraga. The Tigers pitcher retired all 27 batters he faced, except the last out he got wasn't ruled an out. He became the victim of the worst regular season call in the history of baseball. Yes, it's the Tigers. But still, it's a black eye for all of baseball. And it would have been a real feather in the Twins cap as it would have further devalued David Wells' accomplishment twelve years ago.

That right David Wells, Minnesotans are no longer embarrassed that you threw a perfect game against the Twins. So there.

Jumping on the complain train

2010-06-02T07:58:00.001-05:00

The Twins are on pace to win more than 95 games this season, but that doesn't stop the media and fans from complaining about the team. The high level of interest and big expectations seem to be causing many reactionary worries about the lack of a Jon Rauch out-pitch and Mauer's power outage.

Here's my only baseball-related criticism I have is this: The games on the west coast start too late. As I write this, it's 10:45pm and the Twins-Mariners game is in the 5th inning. I've never understood why they begin their games at 9pm in Seattle, Anaheim and Oakland. Don't those people have jobs they need to wake up for?

We got a win, you guys!

2010-05-28T00:22:00.004-05:00

Well, we out scored them this series at least. That's something. As happy as I am to see Jason Kubel have a big game tonight, this series sucked. I was pissed off on Wednesday. I love the Twins, but normally don't get too emotionally invested in a game. On Wednesday, however, I was just pissed off. I couldn't laugh off the losses with a chuckle and a couple of cynical comments. There was rage in this gentle soul. Most of it, of course, directed at Nick Swisher. That dickfor. Lets do an exercise in which we substitute "Nick Swisher" for every time Louis CK says "deer" or "animal."

That's how I feel about Nick Swisher.

In lighter news, Vlad is coming to town! What he lacks in batting gloves he makes up for in grown-man-ass. You could set your beer on that free swinging ass. Not that I've ever thought of such a thing.

There were a couple of more things I was going to talk about, but they can wait. It's Memorial Day Weekend, people. This is no time to be inside reading baseball blogs. Go outside. Drink beer. Remember veterans. Be merry. Unless you're Nick Swisher.

Former Washington Senator center fielder Elmer Gedeon died serving our country on April 20th 1944.

BronxBoi on Yankees series

2010-05-25T16:38:00.004-05:00

Here Ye! Here Ye! Attention all loyal Twins D Bags.

This blog just got a hole bunch cooler because BronxBoi is officially back in this bitch. So if you came here to read the same old "Twins are good because Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau have high batting averages" dribble. You're not going to get it today because I'm not going to write that because I know that that line of thought is ignorant.

I am going to preview the series between the defending world champions and the Twins by an analyzed in an even keeled hand. I'm sure you internet trolls will probably just say that I'm biased towards the Yankees because I am a Yankee's fan, but that is strawman arguing.

Firstly, I'm glad I'm not going to the game. TARGET FIELD IS A JOKE!!! It is brand new and so it doesn't have any history and history is what makes baseball the best. sport. ever. The Yankees did it right when they build their new stadium. They did it like the old one so it has history, and ghosts, and loar but its new so its got better stuff. That's why Yankee Stadium tickets are so expensive. The same reason why Cristal (Yankee Stadium) cost more than Boonsfarm (Target Field).

And NO ROOF??? That's highly dubious. The Twins front office should stop living in a vacuum and have realizationed that it SNOWS ALL THE TIME IN MINNESOTA!!! Yeah, watch baseball when it's snowing...good idea, Minnesotans. Your brains need a reality check, seriously.

We'll look at the pitching match-up momentumly, but right now the Yankees have a better offense than the Twins hands down without a doubt. Yeah, Mauer and Morneau have high batting averages. SO WHAT?!?! I've said it once and time again on this blog, BATTING AVERAGE ISN'T EVERYTHING!!! Cano and Tex have more combination of RBI and HR than Mauer and Morneau. But since your golden boy Mauer isn't as good as those two stats, you nimrods think that BA is the end of all be all. Well IT ISN'T, so deal with it! And Jeter has more offensive intangibles than the all the Twins team.

Burnett vs. Baker
There is no way Baker pitches better than Burnett. Burnett throws at least 3 mph faster.

Pettitte vs. Liriano
Liriano couldn't even carry Pettitte's future Hall of Fame plaque because his left arm would probably fall off and he would need surgery.

Vazquez vs. Blackburn
Same reason as Burnett vs. Baker

Prediction: Yankees sweep.

- BronxBoi, out

This week on Alright Hamilton!

2010-05-17T11:19:00.002-05:00

Hello, folks. Today is Monday, so there won't be much going on around here - we're like the fancy restaurant of the blogosphere. But here's what's on tap for this week:

Who Sucks In Yankee Stadium?
Target Field - Then & Now
Player Sculptures
Social Media & Twins FandomTwins Walk-up songs
Baseball Fields in Minneapolis

Sound really, really exciting? Well, you should click on over anyway. But for now, I'll leave you with this:

For five blog points, name that burger.

Doing his job: Delmon Young

2010-05-12T11:41:00.007-05:00

Delmon Young seems happy to be playing baseball this year. And when Delmon is happy, I'm happy.

He hasn't always been happy. He looked like a fish out of water when he first came over from the Rays in 2008. He played like one too, gasping for air and flopping around left field. The expectations were mighty for the former overall number one pick, yet both he and Brendan Harris couldn't back it up. Those expectations were probably unfair, but it also didn't help that these guys didn't come up through the Twins minor league system.

Now, I'm not blaming Delmonzi for this, I'm blaming the Twins. Gardenhire and the coaches probably saw blemishes in his game, but weren't accustomed to ironing those things out at the major league level. If you think about it, Carlos Gomez, Delmon Young and Brendan Harris would never have come up to the big club with the Twins in the shape they broke in with their respective teams. Harris was an all bat-no glove shortstop, which is completely unheard of in the Twins system. Carlos Gomez, when he came up to the Mets, was just stupid energy in a spaceman suit. And Delmon was a pull-happy sloppy footed right-fielder.

The difference is that Delmon has changed, while Harris and Gomez have not. The Twins have been patient with the left-fielder, even through his inconsistency. Delmon was probably exasperated after years on constant verbal and non verbal questions by Gardy, "Do you know how to do the little things right? Do you know how to play the game the right way? Nah, you don't know."

But I think Delmon has come around. He lost a bunch of weight, talks about hitting with Jim Thome, and says all the right things. Last Saturday, Dan Gladden asked him after the night game if it was frustrating to have to check to lineup card for his name every day. He said something to the effect of, "no, I know we have good players that need At-bats, and whenever they need me I'll be there to do my job."

Former overall number one pick, disappointing formerly hyped up trade piece, and now, just another player doing his job on a pennant contending team.

I'm happy that Delmon is happy with that.

The Mariners are hilarious

2010-05-11T11:22:00.003-05:00

Last week, during the course of crowning the Twins division champs, TwinsGeek wrote,

...all you need to do is look at what Twins fans are debating. Who should the 25th man on the roster be? Should there be a 3rd backup catcher? Can we find room for a Rochester reliever on the 40 man roster?

Seriously? Those are the concerns? The Tigers have Brennan Boesch, who has all of 58 AB above AA, hitting fifth in their lineup. And we’re worried about when an injured Red Wing can be put on the 60 day dl?

And it's true. Twins fans don't really have much to gripe about. Arguing about Wilson Ramos is the most popular thing for fans to do over the past week. We don't have to complain about Tony Batista or Juan Castro like a few years ago. And last season we were biting our finger nails all April in anticipation of Joe Mauer's return.

A lot of other teams spring optimism has already turned to ugly desperation. The Royals somehow have a bleaker (more bleak?) outlook than ever. The Reds can't seem to manage young pitching talent. And then there's the Mariners. I'm sure you've heard all this, but it's too much of a shipwreck to see just once.

First, there's a guy names Eric Byrnes, who the M's picked up from the Diamondbacks. Hilariously, Arizona decided they'd rather pay Byrnes $10.6 million bucks to not play for them than pay him $11 million to return. Anyway, Byrnes was only hitting like .115 for his new team, so when he came to the plate during a tie game in the bottom of the 11th and Ichiro on third, manager Don Wakamatsu made the easy decision to try the suicide squeeze.

The first rule of the suicide squeeze is to get the bat on the ball. No matter if it's in the strikezone or not. If you don't get the ball away from the catcher, the runner, who took off with the pitch, will be dead meat.

Byrnes pulls the bat back to take ball one. And sure enough, Ichiro is dead meat. Rangers manager Ron Washington gets tossed for arguing that the pitch should have been a strike, because he can't grasp the fact that anyone would pull the bat back.

Byrnes is always good for a funny quote or a dumb soundbite, but instead of meeting reporters after the game, he wordlessly rode his bicycle past them. He continued down the ballpark hallway and outside into the rainy night.

He was cut two days later. He's now being paid $11 million dollars to play beer league softball.

Then there's Milton Bradley.

After getting into an argument with his manager about who runs the team, Bradley left a game. He then asked for "help." It was the most predictable thing to ever happen.

Finally, there's old man Griffey. Reportedly, he can't sleep when he's away from home, so he takes naps in the Mariners clubhouse because he feels comfortable there. And that's what Junior was doing during a game last week when he was called upon to pinch-hit. And that's what he kept doing after that opportunity passed. He'll probably be forced into retirement soon, not because of that incident, but because he's old and hitting under .200.

So be happy you're not a Mariners fan. Or at least be happy that your team wasn't in position to sign Eric Byrnes, Milton Bradley and a sleepy hall of famer. Yeah, they brought this on themselves.

Orlando Hudson: shoe-in for fast-talking Hall of Fame

2010-05-07T00:00:00.003-05:00

Orlando Hudson talks really fast. Fastest talker in baseball

But you can't be any ole fast-talking-joe-bag-o-donuts to get into the Fast-talking Hall of Fame. So let's look at how Hudson compares to his fast-talking contemporaries.

When Mr. Tesaverde wasn't teaching history at Bayside high, he moonlighted as a pitchman for various companies. True story: Jessie Spano almost set fire to her note taking paper trying to keep up with "Terrible" Tesaverde. That's HOF material right there.

Love him or hate him, Snow is by far the fastest Canadian Reggae rapper in the history of the world.

Any Outsider fans out there? Anyone? Well apparently this crowd is not as cultured in the ways of Korean Fast Rap as I. Because when it comes to fast rapping in Korean, well...Outsider is your man.

I think I heard a "why" and a "baby don't cry." I assume the rest is in Korean.

And we can't forget Bizzy Bone.

What's the record for the most curse words in a two minute baseball interview you ask? Well, it's a little off subject, but since you asked...

On that note, have a better weekend than Terry Crowley.

LiveBlog - Broom in hand.

2010-05-05T11:47:00.025-05:00

Pregame

The Twins haven't been able to sweep a series yet this year, but they'll have a chance today against Detroit. Standing in their way is sinkerballer Rick Porcello and some less than ideal conditions. They'll counter with Kevin Slowey.
Top of the first

Magglio Ordonez bounces out to short, ending a quick one-two-three inning for the Tigers. He's kindof a goof. He got mad at Michael Cuddyer for throwing the ball to first base after he singled out to right. He gave him to old stare-down. Which isn't very scary coming from a guy with a jerry-curl.

Was it bush league for Cuddyer to throw it quickly to first? Who knows? These unwritten rules are so confusing. Luckily some guy wrote them down in book form. He also shared ten really obscure ones with Big League Stew.

Two of those caught my eye, because I violate them all the time:

Don't stand on the dirt cutout at home plate while a pitcher is warming up.

and

Don't walk in front of catcher or umpire when getting into batter's box.

But then again, I play in the bush league.

Bottom of the first

Justin Morneau smacks a "booming double," and Cuddyer gets Hudson in. The Twins love to score runs in the first inning.

2-0 Twins.

Here's another unwritten rules article. Bert Blyleven was asked questions about different situations, but he brings up a good point: Why do hitters get to wear a bunch of pads? I remember one article questioning Barry Bonds' use of his gigantic elbow armor, saying it actually helped his mechanics. I don't know about that, but I know I hate Barry Bonds.

Top of the second

Kevin Slowey gets a double play and a strikeout, still 2-0 Twins.

Breaking news: Kevin Millar, of Boston Red Sox fame, signs with the St. Paul Saints. He played there in 1993, their first season. I wonder how their attendance will be with 40,000 people at outdoor Target Field all summer.

Bottom of the second

Wilson Ramos grounds out. He's really fallen back to earth. He hasn't had a hit in his last four at-bats. I think they should send him back to double-A. Punto and Casilla are also out. No surprises there.

Top of the third

Alex Avila bashes one into the upper deck. Or at least that's what John Gordon says. If he truly put it up in that trapezoidal section, it'd be the first time anyone has done it. On Monday, Cuddyer became the first to hit one into the left field upper deck. But the facing of the upper deck is flush with the outfield fence, so Cuddy's homer was only about 410 or something like that.

2-1 Twins

Bottom of the third

John Gordon has been talking about how he got to visit the Budweiser party deck before the game today. I think he'll get a stern talking to by the Twins front office, because he had nothing positive to say about it. He wasn't complaining or anything, but merely stated that it was very high, offered poor sightlines and was awfully windy. Dan Gladden began talking about seeing the stadium, and taking a long time to see everything. Gordon hasn't even visited the upper deck yet. Which depresses the hell out of me, if you want to know the truth.

I feel like you don't even know a stadium unless you see a game from multiple viewpoints, during both the day and the night. And then there's these broadcasters who get paid to go to the game, and they just sit in the exact same chair, game after game.

Jason Kubel doubles, driving in Orlando Hudson. I'm glad I picked up the O-dog for my fantasy team.

Twins lead 3-1.

Top of the fourth

Slowey gives up a laser shot homer to Miguel Cabrera. Is the ball jumping today or is Kevin just hanging his pitches? 3-2 Twins

Bottom of the fourth

Oh my, Boesch just drops the ball. That's 29 errors for the Tigers. Oh, make that 30, as Santiago olays one into left field. Tigers lead the league in errors. I don't think the Tigers' heads are in this thing. They must be mourning Ernie Harwell.

Note: they didn't rule that Denard Span hit an error. The official scorer must have been marking the previous error and missed it.

Twins fail to get a hit with the bases loaded, as usual. But they pick up two and now lead 5-2.

Top of the fifth

Good job. One hit, one left on. Twins up 5-2.

Here's a plug for Batting Stance Guy, who is, to date, Alright Hamilton's most famous interview subject. He wrote a book. I don't get it, either.

Bottom of the fifth

quick inning. So I'll close out a very controversial subject from last week: drinking while biking.
Take a look at that poll up there in the right hand corner. 28 people thinks you can get a bike-specific DUI. Well, they're wrong. All 28 of them.

I got this email from a Minneapolis police officer:

Thanks for your question. For the charge of DWI, a person would have to be in physical control of a motor vehicle. A bike would not constitute this crime. Being intoxicated while riding a bike might violate other laws such as impeding traffic, or disorderly conduct or a host of others.

So there.

Top of the 6th

Another solo shot. An absolute bomb. And a base hit and a walk. Slowey is not at his best today. So after throwing 97 pitches, he'll be replaced by JESSE CRAIN, who works out of it.

Twins- 5
Tigers- 3

Bottom of the 6th

The Tigers are playing like the Twins usually play in series finales.

The only problem is that the Twins are playing only slightly better than they normally play in series finales. Kubel goes down with the bases loaded, as usual. And they fail to score. Yikes.

Top of 7

Good job, Crain.

Does anyone know if the Twins have worn their 'M' hats yet this year?

Bottom of 7

Boy, this game has really ground to a halt. I gotta run, but I'll check in with the postgame notes at about 3:30. Anyone else wanna take over?

Fear thy Ramos

2010-05-04T01:04:00.004-05:00

Be afraid of Wilson Ramos. He's gunna git ya. Lock your doors, AL pitchers. Actually, just to be safe, I'd sleep at a friend's house tonight. Because Wilson Ramos would just bash a baseball bat through your locked door.

Look at that man. You think he cares about being good at baseball? No. The only reason why he plays the game is to legally hit something as hard as he can with a baseball bat.

There have been no shaving-cream-filled-towels to the face of Ramos during his triumphant post-game interviews. He was wisely left alone. When he got his first Major League hit, there was no jocular conversation with first base coach, Jerry White. And when Ramos received the ball from that first hit, did he keep it? No. He sent it to his mother because he has no emotional attachment to anything. Not even the baseball of his first Major League hit. It was just another thing he got to hit really hard with a baseball bat.

Ramos was originally cast as "The Nothing" in the movie, The Never Ending Story. He was subsequently fired for taking his role too literally and destroyed the entire movie set with a baseball bat.

The good news for the Twins is that he has seven hits in his first nine at-bats. This might be a record. The even better news, however, is that all those hits have been baseballs...not skulls.

Pavano and his wacky theories - every team has one.

2010-04-30T11:36:00.007-05:00

Twins pitcher Carl Pavano threw a gem yesterday, giving up just two runs over eight innings. Unfortunately, Gardenhire's trotted out his JV lineup and the Twins lost, accomplishing a bunch of firsts a long the way:

first back-to-back losses
first complete game by starting pitcher
first unearned run (thought Butera was supposed to be good defensively)
first series loss
first shutout

Pavano's effort was even more heroic considering the pain in the neck he had to withstand. After the game, the pitcher theorized on his aggravated neck, saying, "it might have been the pillows that threw me off or it might have been that throwing a baseball is the most unnatural movement in the human body. That might have something to do with it, too."

Okay Carl. I appreciate your hard work and your good pitching, but hold the phone.

Isn't the notion that throwing a baseball is "the most unnatural movement" a bit self-serving? It sounds like an excuse, especially considering his history of injuries. He probably just convinced himself that human beings weren't meant to throw things while sitting around the trainers room. And then there's the Bloody Sock Theory, which says that pitchers enjoy feigning injury in hopes of heightening their bravery and skill (or excusing a bad performance.)

Also, I wish he'd present some sort of data with his ridiculous statement. Maybe a top ten list based on a kinesiology algorithm of unnatural movements in sports? I can think of about a million movements and motions for a human body that are more unnatural than throwing a baseball. Like pole vaulting. Or typing on a computer keyboard.

So you'll understand if this was a poor blog writing performance.

Season thus far: part 2

2010-04-29T11:34:00.003-05:00

It's come to my attention that Alright Hamilton has featured literally no content about the play of the Twins this season.

Okay, maybe one line:

...it appears those of us that have devalued a closer's worth have been validated. Albeit less than two weeks into the season, Jon Rauch has been just fine.

Sound analysis from Soup. Rauch actually leads all AL closers in Just Fine.

So before April ends, we're going to try to recap and analyze the on-field exploits of the Minnesota Twins.

It's been a pretty amazing April, definitely unlike any other in Twins history. The combination of a new ballpark, high expectations and Mauer-mania have propelled this spring into the stuff of legend. And that was even before they took the field and started playing great. Are there any other Aprils that can compare with this?

1961: Calvin Griffith moves his Senators to Metropolitan Stadium in Bloomington, Minnesota. In a brilliant marketing move, he decides to rename the team, "the Bloomington Twins of Minneapolis." They played their first game on Minnesota soil in front of 24, 606 fans, losing to the new Washington Senators. They finished April with a 9-6 record.

1966: Coming off a seven game World Series defeat, the '66 Twins has a number of returning stars in Zoilo Versalles, Harmon Killebrew and Tony Oliva and pitchers Grant and Kaat. Expectations were high, but the Twins went just 4-6 in April and eventually lost to the emerging powerhouse known as the Orioles. Wait, they only played ten games in one month?

1985: The Twins had a young crop of talent who had surpassed expectations the season before, miraculously finishing in 2nd place. The team looked like it was on its way up. They went 11-9 in April, but couldn't keep it up and finished tied for fourth.

1993: After winning 90 games in 1992, the home team probably thought, "I hate Oakland." Alas, they took a big step backward and finished the season at 71-91.

But 1993 was great.

Remember when you first became conscious of the culture in which you lived? Everything was awesome. Nothing sucked. Heck, even Hootie was cool. I'm talking about sixth grade here. I don't think a young person realizes that there are dissenting views on stuff that was popular. If it's played on the radio, everyone likes it!

Great albums from around 1993 :

Alanis Morrisette - Jagged Little Pill
Rage Against The Machine - Rage Against The Machine
Green Day - Dookie
Weezer - Blue Album
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Blood Sugar Sex Magik
Jeff Buckley - Grace
The Offspring - Smash
Oasis - What's the story morning glory?
Live - Throwing Copper
Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
Sublime - Sublime
Ace of Base - The Sign
Blues Traveler - Four
Adam Sandler - They're all gonna laugh at you
TLC - CrazySexyCool
The Fugees - The Score
Notorious B.I.G. - Ready to Die
Wu-tang Clan - 36 Chambers
Nas - Illmatic
Beck - Odelay

Tons of sonic memories on that list. If you compare 1993 albums to 1998, it becomes clear that the quality of music dropped dramatically. That's only five years.

Oh right, the Twins season analysis. I think they've done Just Fine.

A Revolving Door at Third

2010-04-27T10:38:00.002-05:00

Jerry Crasnick at ESPN.com wrote an interesting piece about the lack of consistency that teams have at certain positions. He cites the A's Travis Buck as a particularly extreme example, as last week he became the eleventh different opening day left-fielder in eleven years.

Crasnick didn't mention the home team, but they've had some notable inconsistency with personnel too. Check out this awesome chart that lists all the Twins opening day starters through the years.

(click)
There's been some turnover, to be sure. But third base is what most Twins fans should think when they hear the phrase 'revolving door.' (besides some nightmares of the Metrodome.)

2002: Corey Koskie
2003: Michael Cuddyer
2004: Corey Koskie
2005: Michael Cuddyer
2006: Tony Batista
2007: Nick Punto
2008: Mike Lamb
2009: Joe Crede
2010: Nick Punto

I get dizzier than Corey Koskie when I look at that list. Of course, the opening day starter is terribly misleading because most of those guys only made it a few months there. Closer look? Well, okay.

Michael Cuddyer: Only played seven games at third in 2003, before taking over right field. He must have shown something, because Gardenhire turned to him when Corey Koskie left for Toronto before the 2005 season. Cuddyer played 95 games there, hitting .263 with 12 home runs and 43 RBI. The company line was that he couldn't produce offensively while worrying about balls banging off his face at the hot corner. I didn't realize this, but Cuddyer was very Nick Punto-esque until 2006. In 2004, he played 48 games at second base. Why don't I remember this? He also played 43 at third and ten at first base, while only 15 in the outfield. All while hitting just .263/45/12. If the internet existed back then, I'm sure someone would have started a Free Mike Cuddyer movement. Once he finally settled into right field at age 26 in 2006, he hit .284/109/24.

Although the best move for him might have been the one that put him between two leftys: the MVP and the batting champ.

Tony Batista: Remember when the Twins were small market? That was funny. On a team that had Johan Santana, Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau and Torii Hunter at peak performance, the front office patched the hole at third with this guy. What did we think when we saw this headline?

Twins grab 32-year-old Tony B. from Japanese league to start at third

I actually miss the days of low expectations and blind optimism. I'm sure I thought he'd be a decent player. At any rate, he hit five bombs in 50 games before being released in early June, at which point Nick Punto took over and the Twins ceased to lose.

Nick Punto: had an awful year in 2007. For which many fans will never forgive him. The 2007 season sucked in general. So they decided to bring on...

Mike Lamb: was a decent player, but not for the 2008 Twins. If he had signed a one year deal instead of two, he probably would have been released much earlier than September.

Joe Crede: I won't call this signing a bust, because the Twins knew they were signing an injury-prone, on-base handicapped player. But it must have been killing them when they realized, in mid-September, they were paying two third baseman to workout in Florida.

Conclusion:

Suggesting that someone switch positions is one of the most comically silly things that rubes bring up on a regular basis. Someone, somewhere, right now, is telling his buddy that Joe Mauer should switch to first base and they should trade Morneau. Or someone else is asking is Wilson Ramos can play second.

But I'll say this: I wish Michael Cuddyer's move to third base would have worked out.
___________________________________________________________________

Sorta Related posts

Cuddyer Apology

Who is Danny Valencia?

Opposite Day

Riding your bicycle to Target Field

2010-04-26T11:53:00.006-05:00

In an interview with Twins president Dave St. Peter, he was asked if there were any surprises during the ballpark's opening home stand. His reply:

The number of people riding a bike to baseball games. We were at 460 bikes for a game. We have to lead the league in people biking to baseball games. We might be able to get to 1,000 bikes at some point. That's just stunning to me. It's an example of people loving to bike in this community. We have to add more bike racks, which we'll be working on in weeks to come.

I think that's pretty neat. I rode my bike to all three games so far. It's great that the Twins are promoting this.

There are only a few issues/questions I have about biking down to the ballpark:

1. It's a clusterfuck by the lightrail station.

They use the northwest corner of the promenade as a loading area to light rail passengers. Everyone seems confused as they pour out of gate 6 toward the rail platform, only to be turned to the end of the line back toward gate 14. It's a mess, but there's not really a better way to do it. I never take the LRT, so I wouldn't care except that I need to get my bike from the promenade to westbound 5th street. And it's a clusterfuck. I've started to just lock my bike by the Ford Center instead of wade through that muck.

2. They need to finish that Cedar Lake trail.

They had planned to connect the beautiful bike trail from Uptown and the lakes all the way to the Mississippi river, with a stop at the new ballpark. Unfortunately, the path curls away from TF at the last instant, shooting you out near Lee's Liquor Lounge. It looks like they're working on it, but who knows?

3. Having a few beverages and biking home.

Alright Hamilton associates BizMarkie, Daymonster and Bagman all claim you can receive a citation for Biking While Under the Influence. I say bullshit. I contacted my old business partner Luke, who has worked in DUI court and is a mere months from taking the bar exam. He said, "bullshit."

Let's argue it out in the comments. And vote in the upper right-hand corner of this page.

Weekend Calendar - April 23rd - 25th

2010-04-23T09:29:00.003-05:00

This is a new weekly feature only on Alright Hamilton called "Weekend Calendar," which tells you all about what's happening in Minneapolis this weekend.

FRIDAY

Twins @ Kansas City 7:10pm
FSN

SATURDAY

Twins @ Kansas City 6:10pm
FSN

SUNDAY

Twins @ Kansas City 1:10pm
WFTC29

Where's Waldo? On the outside looking in

2010-04-21T22:26:00.007-05:00

He was nicknamed "Waldo" by Bert Blyleven's wife because he was always in the crowd. For years, he was one of the most dedicated and visible Twins fans. From his perch in centerfield, Waldo would snare home runs and welcome Torii Hunter back to his position at the top of each inning. And the players seemed to like him; Joe Mauer gave him a personalized autographed bat after the 2006 season, Johan Santana presented his last pair of cleats he ever wore as a Twin. He was even featured in a Twins commercial as the fan in the first television ad for the Every Fan Counts campaign. Near the end of Torii Hunter's tenure, he said of Waldo, "I know he's my biggest fan," Hunter said. "I think he's one of the guys I'm going to miss most because he comes to every game."

Indeed, he had been to every game in the Metrodome since early 2004.

So why hasn't Waldo seen a Twins game at Target Field?

The trouble started last September when his Bloomington house was burglarized. Among the stolen items were his tickets to the remaining six games and his trademark white Twins batting helmet. He called his season ticket rep to explain what happened, but they couldn't comp him tickets or even allow him to sit in his regular seat. He bought tickets to the final games, but security guards followed him around the stadium after they kicked him out of his seat. He was expecting some compassion from the Twins organization after he supported them for years.

This wasn't the only time the Twins brass looked down on Waldo. He says that whenever an incident occurred in centerfield, a fight, a drunk, a beach ball, security would approach him. He says that security didn't like how many autographs he would get after the games, even though others around him would get ten at a time, clearly to re-sell. He said some fans don't like him because he pops beach balls and won't give balls to kids, even though he'd hand any youngster in the area a baseball.
So after he gave so much of his money and got so little respect in return, Waldo has decided to take a break from the Twins. He attended the Gophers game at Target Field, but hasn't been inside to see the home team play. Of course, he can't just stay at home. Instead, he bikes up from Bloomington every day to his new perch: just beyond the fence of Gate 34. He talks with fellow fans about baseball, respectfully declines ticket offers, and plots his return to the spotlight:

He's going to catch the first home run ball that makes it to the plaza.

GB Leighton makes Twins fans blush in embarrassment

2010-04-21T09:29:00.007-05:00

Have you seen this? The Twins have inexplicably allowed their good name to be put to music. Awful music. It looks like their television partner, FSNorth, needed some rousing tune they could play before the game and during advertisements. They probably thought they wanted something raw, original, and exciting. So where did they go to find this next great sports rock anthem?

The suburbs. Not the band, the place. FSNorth are a bunch of suits looking to make a buck off some music, so why would they investigate the seedy underbelly of the Minneapolis music scene to find something actually good? Instead, they turned to GB Leighton, whose most famous tune is 651-488-8888 (Pizza Hut Delivery Is Really Great.) With a hit single like that with amazingly wide airplay, this seemed like a sure thing.

The suits must have been ecstatic when they first read these lyrics, which GB probably wrote while shopping at the Galleria in Edina.

We got baseball outside
Minnesota Pride
Target Field bring on the heat
Twins are the team to beat

Duluth, St. Paul, Rochester, Minneapolis
Are you ready? Get Ready.

This is where we start the World Series story
this is Twins Territory

Bring on Mauer and Morneau
the fans are ready to go
Dick and Bert on every call
they're gonna circle em all
Brainerd, St Cloud, Winona, hey Dakotas

Are you ready? Get ready.
This is now our time to shine in the glory
Fox Sports is Twins Territory

This is how we start the World Series story
This is Twins Territory

As Bert Blyleven would say, that's a Grammy-type tune. It's Very Serious.

[Watch the music video HERE ]

If the Twins win the World Series this year, I know I'll be telling the story to my kids someday. And how will I start that story? By explaining that GB Leighton kicked it off by singing a very clutch and inspiring tune at the beginning of the season.

But whatayagonnado? It seems like no one can write a song for a professional sports team and get away with it (besides The Hold Steady). Prince's fight song for the Vikings was decidedly awful, but at least it wasn't completely bland and cliche. I would take that over "Twins Territory."

Amazingly, this song falls somewhere in the middle of pro sports songs. Because nothing will ever be as bad as this:

Scott Stapp Makes the Marlins Suck More - watch more funny videos

Agree with our anti- GB Leighton stance? Join this Facebook group!

Road Trip: Cardinals vs. Mets Marathon

2010-04-19T09:19:00.003-05:00

[editors note - I'm sitting in the Waterloo airport and haven't slept much. This is a sloppy article, at best. I'm just typing out a story. There isn't much coverage of baseball in it. It's probably not funny at all if you don't know us. And not much funnier if you do]

A couple weeks ago, I received a call from Alright Hamilton contributor Waters from Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri, where he was just finishing up his Army training. After a long discussion about the merits of St. Louis (blight, breweries, baseball), I agreed to meet him there with some buddies to celebrate his release back into the wild.

Our plan was to meet at the St. Louis airport on Friday afternoon and attend the 3:10 Mets-Cardinals game at Busch Stadium the following day. But the night before we were supposed to leave for Missouri, Waters called us and explained that he was on military orders to board his flight to Minneapolis. If he ditched out to hang out with his lame civilian buddies, he'd be considered AWOL. This was not good. Our whole reason for the trip was to pick him up and bring him home. We'd planned our week around it and were excited. And when I called our well-connected St. Louis contact, Mark, I found out that he had produced Champions Club passes and great seats for the Cardinals game. At no cost.

So fuckit. We'd go anyway. Besides, we had nothing else to do this weekend. (aside from playing a baseball game on Sunday. They only had seven guys. Oops.) Our timetable just got a bit trickier, because Waters didn't arrive at MSP until 8pm. This would have to be a classic overnight road trip.

I don't know if it was the sight of that sweet Minnesota soil or the fact that he was three sheets to the wind (uniform on plane = free drinks, apparently) but he was awfully happy when we picked him up.

So after a visiting some friends and stopping at the bar, we were off. Our ETA for St. Chuck, MO was 7a.m. We were looking good, until a loud crack.

At 3:45am in the middle of Iowa, I was awoken by the sound of a raccoon smashing against the front of my beautiful Mazda Protege. Dane said it was the size of a golden retriever. I thought we'd escaped major calamity until noticing the temp gauge creeping up. More like sprinting up. We killed it.

Okay, I'm bored and this is long. I have to go pick up my car. The story isn't even half done yet. Let's try to boil this down so I can finish it up. Let's pretend we're all on Twitter. YAY.
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4:45 am: Split up. Creepy good sam picked me and andy up, assuring us Tow Truck can't fit all 4 of us in. Bitching about how broke he is; clearly wants money. Gave him 4 bux.

6:45 am: Been sitting in waterloo IHOP for almost two hours. Dane and Waters just arrived, got AAA to finally tow car .

7:50 am: Trying to do math on hours to StL and when rental car place opens at 9. Game at 3. It's going to be close.

8:15 am: Bad news confirmed. Hole in radiator the size of a raccoon skull. Won't be ready til Monday. Smelly, crabby, sleep-deprived walking to rental place with big backpacks on and 12-pack of Nordeast.

8:30 am: Enterprise rental agent, "Sorry, we're out of cars. I can call you a cab to get you to the airport. But just so you guys know, every place requires a credit card to rent a car." We assure her we're not transients.

9:30 am: On the road again. So long Iowa. Worst state ever. Hauling ass to the game.

3:10 pm: Walking into the stadium. Straight to the Champions Club. Free food? YES. Free Booze? yes. We have traveled many miles, thru many hardships. This is our oasis. We deserve this.

5:00 pm. No one has scored. It's good to see Santana again. My instincts make me clap when he strikes a guy out. But I'm wearing a Cardinals shirt. Ooops.

7:00 pm: No one has scored. Been here for 5 hours. We're still upbeat despite no sleep. Could be the free booze.

7:30pm: No one has scored. Getting a kick out of the people in the champions club, belly up to the bar cheering at the TV. Dude, you're at the game!

8:00pm: They keep walking Pujols because the pitcher is behind him. We're sitting in the front row of left center bleachers now.

8:30pm: Really, this is just dumb. People in stands getting desperate. We're hitting the wall. It was fun pretending to be an upset Cards fan for a while, but now I'm worn out. We're leaving.

And we left in the top of the 17th. Yes, we missed Lopez pitching and we saw ZERO runs scored. I don't care. We got out moneys worth. And we'd already peaked: the best part of the trip was when that rental car lady thought we were bums.

Created with flickr slideshow.

"Pirhanna" - - Presented without comment.

2010-04-16T11:05:00.000-05:00

Season thus far: Stream of Consciousness

2010-04-15T01:41:00.008-05:00

So far, so decent.

-First, tip o' the hat to Haas, who has done a really nice job lately of updating this blog with some good material.

-I'm a little sad I didn't get around to do an over-the-top spring/opening-day post this year. But this post will certainly do.

- I fully intended to do this Target-Field-Opener post, in which I started to describe how excited I was to witness the opening of TF, but then get hilariously interrupted by friendly guest-posters. So I would be like: I'm so excited fo...wait..we have a special guest! It's my 13-year-old-imaginary-cousin, Madylyn!

Target Field is so here, you guys. I hope it likes me. It's soooooo cool . JK, you guys. I just... I dunno. Sometimes I think, "Hey, I love Target Field and I want to hang out with it!!!" Seriously, you guys, I'm just being like totally dumb, or whatever, but should I forsure love Target Field, or like L-U-V it? But I'm soooo-to-the-nervous. I mean, It's like, I totally did like 9 BAZILLION charcoal drawings of TF in my art class :P But...I dunno. The Twilight saga is like the TF of stadiums. But, whatever.

Then, of course, our old friend, Private Fitzwilliam Bingley:

Huzzah! May Target Field, in all her Majesty, be an opening to the heavens above. Let us scrape our sweet, sweet gentiles across thee abundant limestone. O' Target Field, for who am I to engorge in your plentiful fancy? I am but a man. A man who has had nothing but an insatiable desire to be part of your most bountiful field that is Target. In this same vigor, l'm going to get so drunk, you guys! I hope they serve rotgut.

And then a couple of other guest writers, but never got around to it. You get the idea.

- Whatever night it was, the crowd at the Angels game broke the record for, "The most fleece blankets worn at a single time," or whatever. This makes me mad. Yeah, I know Snuggies are America's nice little joke. Everybody is Jerry Seinfeld when the word "Snuggie" gets mentioned. "Have you seen these things?!?! I mean, come on! It's a blanket...WITH SLEEVES! I actually liked it the first time when it was called, 'Bathrobe on backwards,' amirite?!?!"

Haha, good job. What grinds my craw, however, is the mockery The Guinness Book of World Records has become. It was once a proud institution that produced a reference book of important world records. Before the late nineties it read like an almanac -- as a book of record should. Then, sometime while I was in middle school, they sold out. They went Ripley's-Believe-it-or-Not on us.

Then, of course, Guinness had the short-lived TV show, which showcased such ridiculous records as "Who can shoot milk from his or her eye the farthest?" That is not a world record. That, Guinness, is a freak show exhibition.

A while ago I linked to a very important world record about the worlds tallest dog, which is a very real and informative world record. In that same article, however, are stupid records ripe for the mocking like "Most nationalities in a single sauna."

In rant conclusion: Screw you Guinness Book of World Records and your bullshit records too.

In unrelated news, I'm still waiting to hear back from Guinness about whether or not my 2779 victories in FreeCell in a ten month period is a world record. Beat that, rest of the world.

- Sucks Joe Nathan went down. Thus far, however, it appears those of us that have devalued a closer's worth have been validated. Albeit less than two weeks into the season, Jon Rauch has been just fine.

Before this year, I have never been a huge fan of his. This is probably because I haven't paid him much attention. Saving some games for the Nationals means nothing to me. But his ability to throw quality strikes so far this season is impressive. A 91 mph fastball from an over-the-top 6'11" pitcher looks just as fast as any Joe Nathan fastball. And while Rauch doesn't have the same bevy of devastating off-speed pitches, he does have a nice twelve-to-six-curve that will compliment his fastball just fine.

My point is, that even after Nathan went down, we still have a pretty decent bullpen. Rauch will do fine (not as well, but fine) as closer. The rest of the bully will be good. In the 8th, Neshek from the right and Mijares from the left would be ideal. But, as much shit as they get, I don't have a lot of trouble pitching Matt Guerrier or Jesse Crain in important situations.

That's all for now.

A look back at contraction

2010-04-14T09:43:00.004-05:00

Upon hearing of Bud Selig's visit to Target Field on Monday, every Twins fan had to roll their eyes and guffaw. It wasn't so long ago that Bud Selig proposed to contract two teams from Major League Baseball, taking the total from 30 to 28. At that time, there had been no progress made on new ballpark legislation and the team hadn't been to the playoffs in ten years. When Judge Harry Crump ruled that the Twins had to honor their lease at the Metrodome for the 2002 season, Selig relented and the home team went on to win the division.

This whole modern area of winning seems to have been born out of that short brush with death. That 2002 squad certainly played with a chip on their shoulder. And the fans came back in droves, cheering harder just to spite Bud Selig.

So it's a little hard to swallow when the commissioner claims that contraction was a myth.

"History has a way of letting myths get in the way of what really happened. Never did the Pohlad family ever waver from wanting the Twins to stay here, despite a lot of difficulties."

I don't remember anyone saying this at the time, but every time the word contraction is said now, the comment is: Oh, that was just a threat to leverage a better deal with the MLB Players Union, with whom their CBA was set to expire.

I guess I'm pro-contraction, because I hope it's not true. It was great feeling persecuted and scared, but then rising above it and going to the ALCS.

If it is completely true, and there was never any chance at all of the Twins getting contracted, then it represents another awesome anti-Selig feeling separate from persecution: conspiracy. Screwing with our emotions just to win a labor battle? Wasting the court and the cities time? He thinks he's bigger than the game.

"I don't want to go back into all that; someday, if I ever write a book. The story got more than a little exaggerated."

Seriously, you come out looking terrible either way.

Minnesota's Day in the Spotlight

2010-04-13T12:46:00.008-05:00

Sick of all the Target Field praise? Then you've come to the wrong place. Most Minnesotans seem to agree that it's a beautiful ballpark. But what if we're wrong? Is it possible that it's a terrible place that we can't objectively analyze because we're inferior? We'd better see what others are saying.

CBS: Target Field a gem Minnesota fans can treasure for generations

True story: One morning around 7:30 last summer as Target Field was still under construction, Gardenhire fed baseballs into a pitching machine aimed straight at the right-field wall. It was the Twins' very own test kitchen. General manager Bill Smith was on the field with Gardenhire observing, while St. Peter and former GM Terry Ryan were stationed in the right-field stands with gloves shagging the balls that went over the fence.

FOX: Twins hit bull's-eye with new park

Now, I’ll admit to liking the Metrodome more than most. I appreciated its quirks. I loved all the noise when the crowd smelled a comeback. Last year’s epic Game 163 had the energy and emotion of a state title game taken to the umpteenth degree.

But it was time for a change, and I was never surer of that than on Monday.

ESPN: Twins can get used to the outdoor life

Another issue is that outfielders can no longer say they lost a fly ball against the dirty Teflon roof or in the lights hanging from the ceiling. Ex-Twin Marty Cordova would have been at a complete loss, though he probably could have claimed he lost the ball in the sun. "You can use that now," center fielder Denard Span said. "You couldn't use it for 30 years here, but you can say 'I lost it in the sun' again. That's still not a good excuse, though."

New York Times: First impressions of Target Field

There are four advertisements on the outfield walls, but otherwise there’s a refreshing lack of ads. There are several spots where the Twins could have shoehorned billboards, but they did not. The resulting solid colors are visually calming. Love it.

USA Today: Twins christen Target Field with 5-2 triumph over Red Sox

"It looks like the field was just dropped in from the sky," says Frank Viola, the Twins' former Cy Young Award winner and ace of their 1987 World Series championship team. "It going to be cold some days, and there may be some rain, but am I going to miss the dome? Absolutely not.

"Minnesota in the summer is the most beautiful place in the world."

Yahoo: Twins' new playground a Minnesota state fair

No longer are the Twins content to scrape along as what commissioner Bud Selig called the “model franchise,” an allusion to their ability to do more with less. They are the smart, charming, fun teenager who just needed a new car to bring him out of his shell, and now that they’re driving a Bentley, there’s no limit to what they can achieve.

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Those were pretty glowing reviews. It was definitely a strange feeling watching that game yesterday. I just can't grasp the fact that I'll be going back again and again. It's the Twins ballpark. It's in Minneapolis. Weird.

The game itself was relatively boring, despite the Twins great team and their famed opponent. I guess that's understandable considering the last three games I saw the Twins play (against the Royals, Tigers and Yankees) featured extremely high drama. No one was just soaking in the atmosphere or staring at the skyline during those games.

I was quite pleased with the music; they must have read Alright Hamilton last week. They played The Hold Steady's Constructive Summer after a run-scoring play, played The Time's Jungle Love during the 7th inning-stretch and The Trashmen's Surfin' Bird, to which a red-headed kid delighted the crowd by ROCKING OUT on the jumbotron.

Also, here's the Homer Hanky they handed out. It's also been added to the Homer Hanky Database.

A New Era

2010-04-12T10:46:00.006-05:00

A new era. A fancy new thing. Pretty expensive, but it was worth it. That's right, I bought a new cap.

It's a New Era 5950. My old one got pretty ratty pretty fast. I bought it at TwinsFest for just ten bucks, but I haven't worn it all. It was a little small; I wear a 7 1/4th but this was 7 1/8th. Luckily, it was easy to stretch out.

Other Twins Duds:

This 2002 Division Champs hat was purchased from a thrift store last year, brand new with the tags still on. It's especially awesome because it's a wearable tribute to that 2002 squad, which was the team that created the current era of Twins greatness.

My buddy bought this for me at a thrift store for eight bucks, never worn, tags still on. When this was made, no one knew if the Twins would win that series.

And here's the answer. Jack Morris, Kirby Puckett and.. Chuck Knoblauch? Sure. Good sac bunt to get Gladden to third.

Oh and by the way, there's a baseball game at Target Field today. And this time, it counts.

A Modest Proposal: Add a Roof to Target Field

2010-04-09T00:31:00.003-05:00

As a native Minnesotan, I'm not accustomed to dealing with cold or inclimate weather. Naturally, I was a bit shocked when I realized the Twins were moving from a domed stadium to a ballpark WITHOUT a ROOF!

I'm just glad we have national sportswriters such as Tom Verducci to tell us how we badly we messed up:

And a target of critics it will be in April, May, September and, if applicable, October, when baseball will be played, when it can be at all, in miserable conditions. In this era in which sport is as much about programming as it is competition, and when stadium roof technology has been around for more than a quarter of a century, Major League Baseball should never have allowed a ballpark to be built in Minnesota without a retractable roof.

That's right. Most games will be postponed, and the rest will be played in Miserable Conditions. And it all could have been avoided by building a retractable roof. Which was was totally feasible too. All they had to do was tack on another $150 million dollars to the project. That wouldn't have been hard to do. It only took twelve years of battle at the state legislature and county commission to secure the $390 million dollars for the stadium, I'm sure it would have only taken a couple years more to ram a stadium bill through with enough money for a roof. Like Abraham Lincoln said: good things are worth waiting for.

And to those who say the tiny stadium footprint wouldn't have room for a roof, I have one word, made up of two words, for you: HOGWASH. They could have expanded the footprint. If they closed and filled the 394 freeway and then tore down the bus terminal/parking ramp, they could have probably fit the footings for the base of the retractable roof. To make room for the roof track, the could have just taken out 5th street and 7th street. See? Easy.

It would have been beautiful too. Just like Miller Park - when the roof is open, you can't even tell it's there. It doesn't hang over your head and block the sky at all. It completely disappears, allowing every seating section to soak up that glorious sunshine.

They don't have roofed stadiums in Chicago or Detroit, but their weather isn't as bad as ours. If you look at this graph, you can see how awfully cold it is in Minneapolis:

(click to enlarge)
See?!?!?!?

Clearly, Detroit doesn't need a roof because their average high in April is about 58 degrees. Same with both Chicago stadiums. But compare that to Minneapolis. It's two degrees colder. In other words, IT'S TWO DEGREES COLDER!!!!!

58 degrees in Chicago? Fine. How would you describe 56 degrees in Minneapolis, Tom Verducci? "baseball will be played, when it can be at all, in miserable conditions."

And Minnesotans can't deal with miserable conditions. Normally, we don't go outside until all the snow has melted around Labor Day. We don't own jackets. We can't wait out a rain delay. And doubleheaders suck!

I don't know why they even bothered to build a stadium without a roof. Just look at it!

via createdbyrisa

via Karleevia Ice Davis

Yup, we should have just stayed in the Metrodome.

Music at Target Field

2010-04-08T10:23:00.010-05:00

This is going to be a real quick, ugly and disjointed posting continuing our discussion from yesterday concerning music at Target Field. I could probably just shoot an email over to Twins audio guy Kevin Dutcher, as I did last year, but we don't need his input just yet.

I think we can all agree that God Bless America and I Saw Her Standing There are not going to cut it as post-Take Me Out To The Ballgame tunes. Additionally, Van Hagar's Right Now should be played Never Again.

Instead of those tired songs, the home team should try to incorporate a little bit more local music. Minneapolis has a rich tradition of great music, from The Trashmen to The Hold Steady and Yanni to Tail Chaser. Dutcher certainly understands this, stating in an interview, "A lot of Prince, Replacements, Husker Du. I enjoy playing local bands. I'm trying to play more current local bands: Red Pens, Solid Gold. We'll see how that goes."

As I recall, he doesn't get a ton of free choice during the game. However, before the game he can play basically whatever he wants. So if we want to influence the music choices at Target Field, we'd have to petition the upper-management.

Until then, here are some recommendations.

Prince - Let's Go Crazy (possible replacement for Van Hagar. Warning: This video will make you want to watch Purple Rain.)

Recommendations by reader Greg yesterday:

Prince - Baby I'm a Star

The Hold Steady - Constructive Summer

The Hold Steady - Party Pit

Morris Day & The Time - Cool

I like The Time selection there, but in terms of early 80's Prince side-songs, this song has no peer. I'm not sure if we've discussed it on this blog before, but please take a listen:

The Screams of Passion by The Family.

Lastly, Howard Sinker had this note in his section 219 blog today:

Interesting thoughts in the Section 219 blog comments Wednesday about what Jon Rauch's entry music should be. So far, Woolhouse's suggestion of Drowning Pool's "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" is my fave.

I can't believe anyone would think that would be an acceptable song to play ever. Let alone blasting across a beautiful ballpark to the horror and revulsion of 40,000 people. Just because Jon Rauch has a neck tattoo does not mean everyone who watches him pitch has to listen to awful music.

I'm too disgusted to suggest better alternatives, so I'll leave that to you. Here's a hint: ANYTHING

Ballpark Traditions and Target Field

2010-04-07T00:30:00.004-05:00

There are certain aspects of the ballpark experience that will change during our transition from the Metrodome to Target Field. Some things will certainly stay the same, like the unmistakable organ music. But other things will be a lot different; you'll have to get used to shirtless sweat monsters in the bleachers, terrible Schweigert hot dogs, and bird shit.

Let's take a look at some common stadium experience issues.

- - Twinkies. How do you feel about that Twins nickname? One only needs to look at some Twins blogs titles to find the differing opinions on the subject: One is called TwinkieTown, another is named Twins, not Twinkies. The Twins have never officially endorsed it, but maybe they would if it wasn't trademarked. Personally, I've never really used the nickname. It seems contrived, like when Gardenhire calls Brendan Harris Harry and Justin Morneau, Mourny and on down the line. Is this the only reason he's known as a players manager?

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is this: During 'Take me out to the ballgame,' do you sing,

A) For it's root, root, root for the home team.
or

B) For it's root, root, root for the Twinkies.

I think the overwhelming majority sings the former. And I'm fine with that. We don't need to specify our allegiance any further. We know who our home team is. Heck, it's actually more descriptive than specifying Twins or Twinkies. It's the home team. The team from our home.
- - Beach ball activity will surely increase. And because the outfield upper deck sections practically hang over the warning track, we'll see a bunch fall onto the field. Anyway, we've discussed this before, so I'll just offer these links:

- Soup's funny article from last year

- K-Bro's blog post from a couple weeks ago

- and her anti-beach ball facebook group

- - The Wave has to die. Right? RIGHT? Despite the fact that Target Field's seating bowl isn't at all wave-friendly, there were rumors that some dumb fans were trying to get it started last weekend. Next time you see this happening, boo them mercilessly. This will cause them to feel even dumber as they slink back to their seat after failing.

- - Throwing Opponents Home Run Balls Back onto the field is another hot-button issue in Twins Territory. Most of us Lake Wobegon-type Scandinavians would never throw away a perfectly good (free) baseball. And we'd especially hate to be accused of copying anything the Cubs do. Still, it sends the fun message that, "we don't even want your home run ball because we dislike you so hard." And the momentary distraction from the crushing disappointment of seeing our Twins give up a homer is certainly welcome.

- - Do we like the old music at the new ballpark? Hearing that same cheesy 80's version of Win Twins while they take the field and Beautiful Day after a win reminds me of the dome. Is that bad? I don't know, but this sure seems like a good opportunity to mix it up a bit. Howard Sinker suggested that someone update the Twins Anthem. I'll work on it.

Until then, let's try to think of a signature 7th inning song, to be played after singing Take Me Out to the Ballgame. One rule: No more Sweet Caroline. Ever.

- - Possible stupid new tradition: Raising the Twins Territory flag. I have a bad feeling that the Twins are going to take a page out of the Minnesota Wild playbook and have some big-shot do or say something extremely cheesy. (ala Let's Play Hockey!) Baseball already has the ceremonial first pitch; they really don't need more pre-game silliness. If, at the home opener, I see some so-called dignitary raise a flag and then say, "This is Twins Territory!!!" I'm just going to lose it.

- - Awesome new tradition: shaking hands after a Twins home run. Do as Minne and Paul did before you. Pretend you're at church and shake the hands of those around you. High fives are for cavemen and bro-dudes. Let's class it up a bit.

Hands, touching hands. Reaching out. Touching me, touching you. Go Twins.

A Few Notes from Opening Day

2010-04-06T00:24:00.010-05:00

Apologies for the short post today but it was a busy weekend and this week is looking just as hectic. Today was the 2010 MLB Opening Day (TM). The best day of the year. And yes, today was the real Opening Day, not that made for TV bullcrap we all watched last night. (AH! contributors, did we decide not to swear on the blog? I forgot, and the word bullcrap just doesn't look right.)

Welp, it's official. Contrary to my prediction the Twins will not go undefeated this year. It's a shame really.

What is even more of a shame is how Twins new second baseman doesn't even get a real jersey. See that? No front number on the uniform.

You know who does get a number of the front of his jersey? Yep. Joe Mauer. That guy gets everything.

Everybody was at the game last night, even Wayne Gretzky. Apparently his kid is a Twins fan. Anybody know the reason behind that. I am guessing it involves Justin Morneau somehow. Also, sweet scarf Wayne.

That's it. Good effort Twins. While Mijares got rocked, at least Neshek looked decent. I was surprised he could keep his composure after no doubt feeling down when he heard how his alma matter lost to Duke in a great game last night. Hey, at least he didn't get hit in the face with a baseball... again.

And remember... There is no smoking ~~in the Metrodome~~ at Target Field.

2010 Predictions Segment

2010-04-02T00:15:00.003-05:00

In the communal spirit of Nick Punto Day, Josh Johnson organized Predictions Day. At the end of the season we can look back to who will looks the stupidest. It's a race. I'm winning.

Twins-Specific Predictions
Twins MVP: Joe Nathan, for making the Twins play hard by realizing that the game could be taken from them at any moment.
Twins Top Pitcher: Kevin Slowey
Twins Best Rookie: Drew Butera. I don't know. He's the only rookie on the roster right now?
Twins Most Improved Player: Francisco Liriano
Bold Predictions: Nick Punto will hit over .220. Jose Mijares will lose weight. The Twins will be in third place at the All-Star break. Scott Baker will give up the most home runs in the league.
A.L. Central Final Standings

Twins
White Sox
Tigers
Indians
Grienke, Soria and Butler

First Home Run at Target Field: Joe Mauer.
First Twins pitcher to allow a home run: Scott Baker. Kevin Youkilis. 3:24pm CST on Monday April 12th.

Three Keys to Success for the Twins:

- Limiting Alexi Casilla and Matt Tolbert to less than 100 collective at-bats.

- Somehow overcoming the enormous detriment of playing in Target Field.

- Proving everyone wrong by retaining a successful closer by committee model all season.

A.L. Playoff Predictions: Twins over Yankees, Rays over Rangers, Twins over Rays

N.L. Playoff Predictions: Braves over Rockies, Cardinals over Phillies, Cardinals over Braves

World Series Prediction: Twins over Cardinals; Ozzie Smith doesn't do any backflips.

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Alright Hamilton on MPR

I'm glad that we were there to inform the public that tickets will be harder to come by. I don't think people knew that. Spreading useful and insightful knowlege with strangers. Doing good deeds. Great, great. It's all great.

Span Hits Mother with Foul Ball, Grounded for Two Weeks

2010-04-01T00:15:00.001-05:00

Twins beat the Yankees 4-2. No big deal. This would be impressive most of the time, but not this year. This year this team is going to win it all. You guys all heard it here first.

But more importantly... Denard Span. WORST SON EVER!!

In an ominous tweet before the game Span wrote:

Playing the Yankees today in front of my family and friends in my hometown today

In the first at bat of the game, Span took a defensive two strike swing and lined one over the third base dugout. RIGHT AT HIS MOM! Do you believe that? He hit his own mom ferchrissakes!

CC Sabathia and Yankees manager Joe Girardi both said they heard her scream. Span looked like he realized it right away as he ran over to her and made sure she was okay. It appears as if she took the ball off the upper chest.

Span took himself out of the game (after taking the next pitch for strike three) and stayed by her side while she was treated by paramedics.

Thankfully, Denard Span's mother is doing fine. According to another tweet from the Twins centerfielder she is "feeling okay right now!" Feeling "okay" doesn't exactly sound good, but I take comfort in the use of an exclamation point. Here is hoping for a speedy recovery for Wanda Wilson.

The Committee, Jennifer Grey, Sue Nelson, and other notes

2010-03-31T09:58:00.003-05:00

- Rather than just assign one person to replace Joe Nathan as closer, the Twins got creative and formed a committee. Most people seem to agree that this approach can't last long; they'll either promote one of the current guys to closer or trade for one. Until then, we 'll have to come up with a collective name for Neshek, Guerrier, Crain and Rauch. Gardy's Party? The Committee?

- How do you pronounce Guerrier? I've always said Gerr-AIR. But people on the radio seem to say, Gerr-EAR. The latter sounds stupid, but not as stupid as when people pronounce the X in Teixeira.

- There are a couple aspects of Twins baseball that would drive the SABRmetricians nuts right now. First, the unquantifiable reasons for the impending and unavoidable demise of Gardy's Party. Bill James advocated Grady Little's decision to go with the closer by committee on the Red Sox in '03, but it failed spectacularly. Those relievers are just more effective when they know their specific role. Secondly, there's the nagging question: why do teams regularly win more at home? Deadspin's Will Leitch wrote a nice piece about the Twins move to Target Field:

But the one place in baseball that was an actual home-field advantage was the old, outdated, ugly Metrodome. It was the place where visiting outfielders couldn't see fly balls, where there were hefty bags, where fans could create a cacophony that echoed and rattled in upon itself.... The Metrodome was terrifying and stupid and outdated and totally wrong for baseball, but it's difficult to deny it wasn't a considerable advantage for the Twins...

It's not like the Twins will be absolutely horrible this year just because they play in an unfamiliar environment (as much as an outdoor baseball stadium can be unfamiliar to baseball players.) But it'll probably cost them a few wins; maybe more or less, depending on how the field plays.

- You know who plays Target Field nicely? Sue Nelson. The Twins organist was settling in to her new perch at the Gophers game last Saturday while plunking out such hits as, BUM-bum-bum-buum...BUM-bum-bum BA-BA-BA BUM-bum and some other things you'd recognize easily. They brought her old organ (eww) from the Metrodome and threw it up in the Twins Pub, which is crazy to me. The Twins Pub is a sparse and dark space on the upper deck concourse. As the name suggests, they sell beer while offering protection from the elements. Sue likes visitors, but this is a bit much. It's only a matter of time until someone spills their beer all over her fancy musical instrument. Between all the jack-offs like me talking to her, and the fact that she couldn't see the field at all, she seemed pretty frazzled. Twins: fix this.

Also making the move from the dome to TF is the wonderful scoreboard messages known as Twins-O-Grams. Remember Jennifer Grey from Dirty Dancing and Ferris Bueller's Day Off? She must have felt pretty lucky to be one of the first people ever honored with a Twins-O-Gram:

Congratulations! You should have never got that nose job.

- Over the past few days, Gardy and the rest of the Twins brass have been busy finalizing their roster. One of the last undecided roster spots was the backup catcher. Gardenhire wanted Wilson Ramos, who is totally awesome. But Bill Smith doesn't want to Start The Clock, so he installed Drew "invisible bat" Butera as the official Joe Mauer back-up. This post at Call the the 'Pen captured my sentiments exactly.

UP NEXT:

Twins vs. Cardinals. The Great Pujols and his band of St. Louis baseball players visit Target Field for an exhibition on Friday and Saturday. The game starts at 5pm on Friday, but come down early for the revealing of some Twins statues on the plaza. Also, it's going to be nuts downtown.

Where for art thou Brendan Harris?

2010-03-30T09:40:00.006-05:00

As spring training winds down a few questions out of the Twins camp are being answered. Francisco Liriano seems to have locked up the fifth starters spot, Jacque Jones will not be allowed to relive the glory days of 2002, and it will be closer-by-committee to start the season.

Closer mess aside, there is one very troubling development playing out with Opening Day only a week away: Nick Punto looks to be the Twins starting third baseman, leaving Brendan Harris on the bench as a utility option. There was an article yesterday in the Star Tribune about the strong possibility that this will be the case, but I am surprised that more isn’t being said about this issue.

I know there have been jokes abound about Gardenhire’s ridiculous man-crush on Punto, but all kidding aside, this has gone far enough. I can no longer bite my tongue. We’ve all heard the argument, “Punto is a defensive god. The plays he makes on defense compensate for his shortcomings at the plate.” Bullshit.

If we didn’t have another option at the position, then maybe this would be a legitimate statement. If Alexi Casilla and Matt Tolbert were the Twins’ only other two choices at third, then maybe I could get behind that mindset for yet another season. But that’s not the case. Brendan Harris provides a more than solid defensive option at third, and is a good argument to be a starter over Punto even before you mention offense. In nine seasons Punto’s fielding percentage is .978. Harris inexcusably lags behind at .971. With such a glaring gap between the two I can see why Punto is the obvious choice on defense.

Offensively, you would be hard-pressed to find a reason why Punto is a better fit than Harris. I know the preseason means absolutely nothing, and I understand that, but just for arguments sake, Harris is hitting .351 while Punto checks in at a predictable .200 mark. The career batting average of each (.267 for Harris, .248 for Punto) is not why this argument is one sided.

In a season where the Twins powers-that-be seem to be going for more than the usual division title, they owe it to themselves to put the best lineup out there. Thanks in part to a strong top of the order, the 6-7-8 spots in the lineup are stronger then they have been in recent memory, with more pop and possibility then the team has had there in a long time. So wouldn’t it make sense to put the best possible bat, and run producing option, behind the back end of the order?

Harris not only brings in a better average, but he could also produce a 9-hitter who pitchers would not be able to point to in the order and say, “Let’s focus on this weak spot and keep them from turning over the order.” With Denard Span at the leadoff spot it would be nice to provide him with a little protection in the order, as Orlando Hudson in the two spot is not a big power-threat either. It doesn’t make sense to put three softer hitting, contact-focused hitters in a row when the rest of the order seems to be focused on doing more than just putting the ball in play and running like hell. With Harris in the 9-spot, the threat of a gap-type hitter opens the field up and could produce more runs scored from the bottom half of the order.

Harris is no different than any other hitter on the face of the planet, he needs regular at bats to find his rhythm and reach his full potential. He has yet to get that chance with the Twins. I guess I can spout ill-fated arguments for Harris over Punto all day long, but they will be just that, ill-fated. I don’t know if Harris did something to piss Gardenhire off or what, but the time for playing sentimental favorites is over, unless the manager and front office are going to be content with another one-and-done in the postseason.

Details of Mauer's Contract

2010-03-26T08:20:00.000-05:00

Monday's Press Conference brought a lot of joy to every Minnesota Twins fan. Almost no one we have talked to here at AH! have been upset with the Mauer signing. He is the most popular current Minnesota Twin and with Target Field opening in few weeks, a spring training without a contract would have put a dark cloud over the new ballpark.

We know that the All-star catcher's contract features a 8 year, 184 million extension that makes him easily the highest paid catcher in baseball history. But that can't be all right? But what else was in that two page contract. The investigative reporters here at Alright Hamilton! got to the bottom of the biggest contract of the year.

If we enhance the above image we can get a little big of information on what exactly are the conditions of that record-breaking contract.

By using some intense photographic technology we can enhance the picture to see some details of the contract.

1. Sideburn clause: The hair connecting the hair on his head to where the hair for a beard would be (hereafter called 'sideburns') must be kept at approximately the same length as the bottom of the ear lobe. Mr. Mauer may not grow any other facial hair that could distract the viewer from his trademark sideburns nor may he grow out his hair to cover up the sideburns.

2. Quarterback clause: In the event that Brett Favre does not play for the Minnesota Vikings through the year 2018. Mr. Mauer will play quarterback for the Vikings and lead them to a Super Bowl championship.

3. Interesting clause: Mr. Mauer must continue to make an effort to become a better interviewee and actor for commercials by taking classes at local community theaters during the off season.

4. Over-interesting clause: Mr. Mauer must not become TOO interesting that he loses that home-grown-Minnesota charm that makes him the perfect poster boy for the Twins franchise.

5. Love clause: Mr. Mauer may find love if he wishes, but he must keep this love a secret. The Minnesota Twins rely on one of the largest female fan bases in all of baseball. If these women found out that Mr. Mauer was off the market, it could prove devastating for ticket and jersey sales.

6. Rap career clause: Former Minnesota Timberwolve Troy Hudson has volunteered his services to get Mr. Mauer's rap career off the ground.

7. Injury clause: Mr. Mauer may not get injured at anytime in the next nine years. However, if Mauer waves his no trade clause and gets traded, me must get injured within that first year with his new ball club.

There you have it. Some of the details to one of the most important events in Minnesota sports history. It's a little more specific than I was expecting but then again when has the AH! investigative team ever been wrong?

Joe Mauer Is the New Denny Hocking

2010-03-25T00:15:00.002-05:00

By TwinsWin83

So I don’t know if you’ve heard or not but Joe Mauer signed some kind of blow your mind, wet your pants, pinch yourself to check reality-type deal with the Twins a few days ago. According to most sources, this is the greatest thing to happen to Twins fans, the state of Minnesota, and the majority of people living within the Western Hemisphere since the theatrical release of Little Big League.

Listen, I dig that the Twins signed the player who is the face of the franchise and accounts for a ridiculous amount of their fan-related revenue, but c'mon, who thinks he’s going to catch for the next nine years and be able to continue his current stats throughout that duration? No way. According to recent studies, catching makes you age at the same rate as a golden retriever. It can also lead to acid reflux, lazy eye and type II diabetes. The last thing Twins fans want is a catcher who is 186 in dog years, pops Prilosec like they’re Starburst jellybeans, and can look at both the first baseman and the blonde sitting down the third base line at the same time, all while draining $23 million from the team’s coffer each season.

Joe Mauer is every Minnesotans little 8 pound 6 ounce, newborn, infant baby Jesus. If something were to happen to him, everything we were told would take place on Y2K will happen for real in the Twin Cities. We’re talking about planes falling out of the sky, blackouts, riots, a Timberwolves win, looting, cannibalism and worst of all, Joe Mauer out of the lineup for an extended period of time.

Well I won’t stand for that. I won’t let the Twins brass be responsible for the end of human life in the Upper Midwest. So that means we need to come up with a list of possible spots for Mauer to play instead of catching, which is apparently as hazardous as Ice Truck driving.

1st Base- You might think this is a good spot for a former catcher in transition, but wait. We have another MVP playing there in Justin Morneau. And he’s awesome. Just ask a Canadian. No wait, don’t ask a Canadian. Even general contact with one and you could become sickly; addicted to Molson, hockey and talking shit about America.

Anyways, you can’t push Morneau out of his position. If we lose him who is going to carry the team down the stretch in Septe…….. Who is going to be the outspoken, confident clubhouse lead…… Who is not going to blame the Home Run Derby for his troubles at the pla……. Who is going to give Mauer crap about making a ton of money and try to mooch a supper off him? That’s right, only Morneau can shoulder that burden.

Middle Infield- No way. Nick Punto, Alexi Casilla, Matt Tolbert and Brendan Harris can all play those positions. If they can’t get the job done then no one can.

3rd Base- Now this might be a spot for Mauer. We all know about the drama the Twins have had at 3rd since Corey Koskie left the team and returned home to Canada to raise sheep. One of the big qualms about taking Mauer out from behind the plate is that he handles the pitchers so well. Well, there is a simple solution to that problem; Mauer can call the games from his new position at 3rd. With simple hand gestures, audible coughs and sneezes, and the occasional nut-cup check, everyone else in the infield will know exactly what to do. The new catcher will never even have to put down a finger. And this way Mauer can sit back and literally watch his knees heal after years of catching. Who knows, he might steal 60 bases without having to deal with the strain of squatting behind the plate like a dairy farmer at the rear end of a cow.

Outfield- Um, absolutely. Anywhere you put Mauer in the outfield he is going to be awesome. I mean think about how the guy guns down stealing runners at second and third. Just imagine how much harder and straighter his throws will be from the outfield when he can get a running crow-hop. Wow. I mean who is going to tag from second to third when Mauer catches a ball in shallow left? No one, that’s who. And this way the Twins can move Delmon Young back to his natural position, bullpen catcher.

DH- Nope. You can’t make a legitimate case for putting his Golden Ticket Winning Wonka Bar-like talent on the bench except for his plate appearances. Can’t do it, so don’t try. And, call me crazy, but I think Jim Thome's best days are yet to come.

Pitcher- Maybe, if the Twins were a National League team. But the last time I checked baseball-reference.com they were not.

So there you have it. Your viable options are 3rd base and the outfield. What do you mean already knew that? Well then, I am sorry I just wasted your valuable time. I will get back to my Twilight book and you can head back to doing whatever it is that you do. If you’re really bored you can check out the new Twins commercial.

The Finest Anti-Twins Column You'll Read Today

2010-03-24T09:38:00.005-05:00

This blog generally takes a rather pessimistic view of the Twins. After Alexi Casilla ripped a single off Fernando Rodney in game 163, most of us knew they'd get swept by the Yankees. We like to rip on Nick Punto, chide Delmon Young and question Pat Neshek's diet. Very negative indeed. Heck, I even managed to spend half an article complaining about trivial things in an article about the lovely Target Field.

But most Twins fans and the guys here at Alright Hamilton aren't as bad as the local media. Specifically Dan Barriero. He loves to rip the Twins for not spending money and not "going for it" when they have a chance at a title. Which is fine, I guess. At least he provides something different than all the Star Tribune's homers.

Barriero is maddeningly cynical, but last spring I was ready to join him. Let me paint a picture of how I felt: The Twins hadn't won a division title since 2006. The 2007 squad severely underperformed, finishing with their first losing season since 2000. That set the stage for Torii Hunter to bolt for Anaheim and a Johan Santana trade. Losing two players of that magnitude because we didn't have the cash to pay them sure made that classic Minnesota inferiority complex flare up. Payroll was way down; from about $71 million in 2007 and leveling off at about $65 million in 2008 and 2009.

It seemed like a racket. The Twins were moving into a new taxpayer funded ballpark, screaming towards large wads of cash, and they were slashing payroll while shedding all-stars. It definitely seemed like a racket.

Needless to say, it didn't turn out badly. The payroll is nearly $100 million dollars even without the mega Mauer contract on the books. Ownership is clearly committed to winning instead of lining their pockets with fat stacks of Target Field provided cash. Best of all - the Twins can actually afford to keep their good players.

The point is this: We are very, very lucky to be Twins fans.

Want proof?

Read this brilliantly written and hilarious piece of writing from an Indians fan. He hates the Twins. It's not immature or mean, it speaks more of an exhausted hatred of loathing and jealousy.
(hat tip to No Smoking In the Metrodome)

The whole thing is great, but this is the most relevant line for our discussion:

Everything good always happens to the Twins! That's why I hate them!

Doesn't that brighten your day?

Twins Teddy Bear Tours Target Field

2010-03-23T12:44:00.005-05:00

The Twins held their first large scale showing of Target Field this weekend, and despite cold temperatures, hundreds of fans came to check it all out. And it did not disappoint. It was a great experience to finally walk the concourses and sit in the seats at the brand new ballpark after closely following its construction over the past two and a half years. It's certainly a top-five MLB stadium.

Unfortunately, the only view of green grass was in the left field corner. The rest was covered with some sort of tarp, presumably to keep in the heat (heated coils run beneath the field) and keep off the frost or whatever. It made it hard to imagine a baseball game actually being played in the building. But that will come soon.

The day was all about exploring the many amenities of Target Field. At the Metrodome, there were just two bland 360 degree concourses that led to equally spaced gates and two separate decks: upper and lower. The new place is a goddamn baseball corn maze compared to that dump.

Here's Teddy drinking a cold beer on the lower concourse just behind home plate. The highest seven rows (or so) are are covered by the cantilevered Legends Club seats. No blue sky or sunshine for these folks. There isn't even a view of the scoreboard. But they have their own flat screen televisions and they will always stay warm.

And directly behind those seats is an entrance to Hrbek's. It's a small bar without views to the playing field, but there are plenty of pictures of the former Twins first baseman. Unlike Hrbek, the place feels a little small and dark. But at least any ticket holder is allowed inside, unlike..

The Metropolitan Club. It's a tribute to old Metropolitan Stadium, which is where the Twins played for a few years while the Metrodome was constructed. It feels like a cafeteria for old people who like to feel rich and exclusive. I felt under-dressed, as did the Bear, who wasn't wearing pants. It's a neat space, featuring three walls of glass, but I'll never hang out there since it costs a bunch of money and it doesn't offer views of the field.

can you spot the Target symbol?

Well, it looks like Teddy found the exterior deck of the Metropolitan Club, where the field is clearly visible. Looks like a fun place to watch the game. Unfortunately, it will cost money to sit there, even though you already have a regular seat in the stadium and you are spending money on their food. And you have to be a season ticket holder to enter.

Next we visit the Legends Club. If you haven't noticed by now, there are a lot of clubs at Target Field. Oh, it's just terribly exclusive. There's the Metropolitan Club, the Champions Club, the Legends Club, Hrbek's Pub Club, Club sandwiches, the 573 Club, the Townball Tavern Club, the Twins Pub Club, the Budweiser Deck Club and the Twins Majestic Pro Shop Club. Here's a breakdown of where you can and can't go:

Open: Hrbek's Club, Twins Pub Club, Town Ball Tavern Club, Club sandwich.
Make more money: Champions Club, 573 Club, Legends Club, Metropolitan Club.

See that section of wood-backed seats in the above picture? The Legends Club is essentially an enclosed, very fancy concourse that leads to those seats. It's also the home of the Puckett and Carew atriums. And Harmon Killebrew's 573 club. But you can't go to any of those places. It's too bad. Those Legends Club seats are definitely the best in the house, both physically and view-wise.

The Carew Atrium features fantastic views of the Hennepin County Garbage Incinerator.

The Champions Club is totally off limits. To get there, you must have seats right behind the plate. It has a special, super-secret passage that allows rich people to move from their seats directly to the club, without having to bump against any commoners. It's done with a carefully designed moat.

The worst part? They took the two World Series trophies and put them behind glass, beyond the moat. Two beloved Twins teams won those trophies, making all of Minnesota champions. We are no longer champions. The people in the seats behind the plate are champions. And they have the trophies to prove it.

And what do my Teddy Bear and I get?

A new hot dog! After much worry, the Twins replaced Hormel with Schweigert. Delicious, right? Not so much. It tasted like a regular hot dog. Disappointing.

All new sports venues feature la-ti-da exclusive areas designed to squeeze out corporate dollars. Some places focus so much on that kind of thing, that they forget about the game. Luckily, the Twins didn't forget about baseball. I think for pure baseball viewing, Target Field will not disappoint anyone. For instance, the entire upper deck is cheap, and it just happens to feature fantastic views.

So bring your bear to a ballgame this season. They'll never suspect a Teddy Bear would try to steal those trophies back.

Mauer Contract Brings Balance to the Universe

2010-03-22T00:56:00.004-05:00

Two Alright Hamilton contributors share their reflective and emotional thoughts on Joe Mauer's new contract.

Soup: I believe it was Mahatma Gandhi who once said, "Home is where the heart is." Well, Joe Mauer's heart is in Minnesota, and so is his employer for the next eight years. Our state can now collectively exhale.

Haas: It is indeed a huge relief. But was there really ever a doubt that this would happen? I mean, it was meant to be. It was written in the stars. He's our Baby Jesus, and the Twin Cities is Bethlehem. Jesus never left Bethlehem, so it's fate that Joe stays here.

Soup: Yes, and just like when Jesus signed his contract, Joe's new deal provides hope for those little boys and girls that are looking to be inspired. Joe Mauer and this contract are that inspiration. This contract sends a message that you can be a successful superstar and still remember where you came from and how you were raised.

Haas: It's true. He's probably the first superstar to ever remember where he came from. All the others forget and then sign with the Yankees. Hmmm.. Do you think he could have signed a larger contract in New York? Because I haven't heard that anywhere.

Soup: I'm glad you asked. The answer is YES! Mauer could have signed a bigger contract with some big market team, but he didn't. He chose to stay around. Being around the people he loves is more important than the bright lights and fame. This loyalty is refreshing for an athletic superstar to display in the wake of the Tiger Woods saga.

Haas: Yeah, he took a deep discount to stay with the Twins, settling for just $184 million bucks over eight years. That's loyalty.

But I have no doubt that loyalty wasn't the only force behind Mauer's decision to stay in Minnesota. He was acutely aware that the world would collapse if he didn't re-sign. Twins fans would blow up Target Field and Major League Baseball would spiral downward into anarchy. And society wouldn't be far behind. Joe Mauer knew what he had to do: save the world.

Soup: Since September 11, 2001 Minnesota has been looking for a hero. We have been looking for a leader. Maybe that person is Joe Mauer. Maybe not. What we do know, however, is that you can crash planes into our towers and we'll still be here. And for at least eight more years, so will Joe Mauer.

Haas: huh?

Delmon Young Concentrating on Sexy

2010-03-19T12:30:00.009-05:00

It was encouraging to hear that Delmon Young arrived at camp looking as fit as ever. I guess he dropped 20 pounds, or something. I don't know if anyone necessarily questioned his work ethic, (personally I'd always thought his running style was designed by Delmon to make his team mates laugh) but there had been rumors that he didn't listen to coaches. So maybe this weight loss business meant he was re-committing himself to the sport and to the team.

Not so fast.

In this spring training interview with FSN, Delmon explains his reason for losing the weight. The video is subtitled, "Delmon Young [talks] about how he revamped his body in the offseason and comparisons between the Twins and the Rays, the team that traded him to Minnesota."

I'll save you the trouble of actually watching the video. Delmon answers both questions awkwardly while breaking the fourth wall numerous times. First, he states that there is no difference between the Tampa Bay Rays organization and the Twins. Delmon needs to brush up on a very important rule of being a Minnesota Twin: always tell people this is a unique, special and amazing organization. Talk about the great clubhouse atmosphere and how we like to "do the little things right".

He then explains why he lost weight, "I just hope to look good in uniform."

At first I thought he was joking around; perhaps one of the greatest deadpans in Twins interview history. But Delmon continues, "I may run a little faster, play better defense, but it definitely doesn't help your hitting."

Now just imagine how silly this is. Here's a former number one overall pick who has under-performed for most of his career. He starts eating healthier and working out heavily over the offseason. But while he's drinking his slimfast and pumping iron, he's not thinking about how he's going to prove himself on the field. He's not dreaming of home runs or spectacular catches. He's thinking about how good he's going to look when he puts on that uniform. After losing a bunch of weight while fighting the flu, he looked at himself in the mirror and thought, "this won't help my hitting at all, but just look at how great I look!"

Seriously: "Accolades not important to Cuddyer"

2010-03-16T00:13:00.006-05:00

Articles like this are what make me kind of dislike Michael Cuddyer.

FORT MYERS, Fla. -- Michael Cuddyer led the Twins last year in home runs, while finishing second on the team in doubles, third in hits and fourth in RBIs. But that, of course, wasn't the most impressive aspect of his breakout season. That part came in less than a month, when a mid-September back injury put slugger Justin Morneau on the shelf for the rest of the season.

More impressive than leading the Twins “Last year in home runs, while finishing second on the team in doubles, third in hits and fourth in RBIs?!?!” Do tell.

At that point, heading into Sept. 13, the Twins found themselves two games below .500 and 5 1/2 games behind the division-leading Tigers with 20 games -- eventually 21, actually -- left to play.

On the 14th day of September, God created Cuddyer.

You know the story thereafter: Cuddyer filled in for Morneau at first base -- a position at which he had only played 46 career games prior -- and batted .325 with eight homers in his last 21 contests to lead the Twins to a postseason berth nobody thought they had any business capturing.

Um, yeah. A very nice job moving to the easiest defensive position in baseball for 21 games, Michael.

But then came the results of the voting for the American League Most Valuable Player, an award superstar catcher Joe Mauer was a lock to win. Cuddyer -- he of a .276 batting average, 32 home runs, 94 RBIs and a heroic September -- ended up with just one eighth-place vote and one 10th-place vote.

The “heroic September” button on my calculator doesn’t work, so I’m not sure how to quantify that statistic. The other three statistics (there are only three) appear slightly above average for a corner outfielder/first-baseman. Then, of course, factor in the -16.9 UZR and you have a very average player.

Two votes -- that's it?

Ah, that’s about right, actually.

That's how it is for Cuddyer, the longest-tenured member of the Twins and one who's constantly overshadowed by the presence of Morneau and Mauer in the lineup.

That’s just not right. Michael Cuddyer has been friendly, preformed magic tricks, and even undertook the grueling defensive task of first-base for a month last year. And just because Morneau and Mauer have won MVP Awards, Cuddyer gets overshadowed. Newsflash: Mauer and Morneau don’t even know magic tricks.

But he's just fine with it.

God Bless him.

"I'm not a guy who seeks individual accolades or individual notoriety or any of that stuff," said Cuddyer, who will be in the starting lineup when his club gets started with Grapefruit League games on Thursday, facing the nearby Red Sox at their place beginning at 7:05 p.m. ET. "What drives me is winning. As long as my teammates respect me and my coaches respect me, I'm happy with that."

That’s right. Cuddyer is not one of those seekers of “accolades or individual notoriety.” This is something Mauer and Morneau will never know…because they have both accolades and individual notoriety. If only they would be solely driven by winning, like Cuddyer.

Twins manager Ron Gardenhire certainly does.
Minnesota's skipper spoke after Wednesday's workouts at Lee County Sports Complex about how he has no qualms putting Cuddyer in center field in the case of a short-term injury to Denard Span, and Gardenhire reiterated the obvious when he said, "We would've definitely not won our division if it hadn't been for Michael Cuddyer."

Wait. Gardenhire said, “We would’ve definitely not won our division if it hadn’t been for Michael Cuddyer.” And that quote is evidence that Gardenhire has “no qualms putting cuddyer in center field in the case of a short-term injury to Denard Span”? I’m sure there are some qualms.

"He's pretty much top of the line here," Gardenhire added. "[He] doesn't get enough credit for that because he gets outshined by a few people, but not in a lot of people's books. He's right there at the top."

It must be hard managing the 1927 Yankees. With all the outshining players, and what not.

The man Cuddyer ended up being at the end of the 2009 season was the man he was projected to be all along.

The 30-year-old righty-hitting right fielder was the Twins' No. 9 overall Draft pick in 1997. But with the exception of a solid year in '06, he initially didn't live up to the billing, and he hit rock bottom in '08 -- batting just .249 with three measly homers while being limited to 71 games.
That year, Cuddyer dealt with a series of hand injuries, which, as he said, "It's like telling a surgeon to go in there and have open-heart surgery without his eyes. You can't do it."

I hate to say, “He told you so.” But you should have given Hal Rocklage a call.

So, last year, it was all about being healthy -- and, perhaps, selfless.
"Last year, I was able to be healthy pretty much the whole year," he said. "And I think the main thing about having success individually is not worrying about your individual success. You're just strictly worrying about the team, and that's all I really worry about. If we win, I'm happy."

Well, you couldn’t have been that gloomy in 2008. You won 88 games! That’s one more than you did in 2009!

Cuddyer may never point to himself, and there may not be many outside the Twins' clubhouse here at Hammond Stadium that give him much credit. But his teammates sure notice what he brought.

Yeah, poor Cuddyer. Nobody outside of the Twins’ clubhouse likes him. Fans hate his guts.

Especially the one he filled in for so admirably.
"The things he does for this baseball team are amazing," Morneau said. "He's our best baserunner, he comes to play every day, he's definitely one of the main leaders in this clubhouse, he'll play anywhere you ask him to, he'll do anything you ask him to and he loves the game.
"He typifies what it means to be a Minnesota Twin."

Morneau just described every utility infielder to every play in the Majors. When you talk about great baseball players, I doubt “He’s our best baserunner” is how you would start the sentence to list his accomplishments.

And that isn't a half-bad thing to be these days. Not when you consider the reigning American League Central champions currently have a healthy Morneau and Kevin Slowey, plus a new All-Star second baseman (Orlando Hudson) and shortstop (J.J. Hardy) and a potential Hall of Famer on their bench (Jim Thome).

There is nothing to mock in this paragraph. We are going to be awesome.

Cuddyer -- greatly influenced by the likes of Corey Koskie and Doug Mientkiewicz when he came up to the big leagues -- said it's the best team he's been on since he started with the big league club in 2001.

Gosh, I loved those guys.

On paper, at least.
"On paper it looks good," Cuddyer said. "But I'm not one who really gets caught up on paper, because there's been years where we come in and, on paper, it doesn't even look like we're going to finish in the division in the top three, and we go out and win the division."

Truth. I’m finding myself less-and-less cynical as this article gets me more-and-more jacked about the upcoming season.

After a season in which he racked up a career-high in homers, hit for the cycle, blasted two home runs in the same inning, posted a phenomenal September and finished up with a .429 batting average (6-for-14) in three postseason games -- all losses to the Yankees -- in November, the Twins picked up Cuddyer's $10.5 million option for the 2011 season.
The move signified how much the Twins value Cuddyer -- regardless of how MVP voters may feel.

Good for the Twins. Sometimes they give contracts to players that don’t even receive ANY MVP votes! Can you imagine?!?!

"I was hoping to see him get a few more votes [for AL MVP], get the appreciation that he deserves, but, hey, being the guy that he is, he'll tell you he's happy that he just got one vote," Morneau said. "That's not what he plays for."

You know what Cuddyer plays for? Orphans. Cuddyer donates 100 kitten-giggles per win for every orphan in Minnesota.

Nope. What he plays for is this: "When this game is all set and done, as long as my teammates remember that I was a good teammate and somebody they enjoyed playing with, that's what motivates me," Cuddyer said. "That's what I really care about."

So you keep your awards, and money, and fame. Cuddyer will put his pants on one leg at a time and cherish the respect he has earned and the wins he as been apart of…and nurturing unicorns back to health with effort-accumulated rainbow-dew-drops.

Baseball's Winning Formula

2010-03-11T13:19:00.003-06:00

They've done it. With help from all their degrees on their walls and their instruments and equations, the scientists have figured out how to win baseball.

In an article published last week entitled, "Scientist Says He Figured Out Baseball's Winning Formula," this writer guy attempts to explain scientist guy's tweak on a Bill James theory. I don't think writer guy fully understands it, but he attempts to summarize it with this:

...teams with good hitters who can get on base and get extra base hits will win more than a team without. Also, good pitching and defense with a good offense leads to even more wins.

Groundbreaking. Astounding. Revolutionary.

Anyway, it got us thinking. Can we further generalize winning attributes? Could we whittle it down to just ONE thing that consistently wins baseball games?

The worksheet: (click for full size)

A few things

2010-03-10T00:55:00.009-06:00

It's been a while. Let's catch up.

- The 2010 Winter Olympics has taught us a lot about ourselves. Through the games, together we have experienced loss, success, and most importantly, hope.

But if we take one lesson away from this 2010 Winter Games, it should be this: Yu Na Kim ain't nothin to F**k with. If it's hard for you baseball fans to understand her dominance, think of it this way: Joe Mauer is the Yu Na Kim of baseball.

I have recently lived in the Korea. So I have first hand knowledge of how big of a deal Yu Na Kim is. She sings and stuff too. Last year she made $6 million. That is a lot of stinking money for a Korean entertainer. It's like a zillion Won. Not that I'm obsessed, but I guess she has a twitter account.

Quick tutorial on reading Korean txt and twitter (because I think it's kind of funny): For "lol" Koreans use "kkk," which is funny in an ironic way because there isn't much funny about the Ku Klux Klan. But if you sound out three "K's" it sounds like you're chuckling. Think of that dog on Duck Hunt. Also, instead of a " : ) " emoticon, they use two "^" to represent how Korean eyes look when they are smiling. So it would be something like: ^o^ or ^_^.

Wow. aren't you impressed at how cultured the blog is?

- Don't worry, Jim Leyland. Good news! Cigarette Juice.
- I vaguely remember Glenn Perkins' issue with the front office. Something about him not liking how they treated his injury. Honestly, I didn't pay that much attention to it because I thought it wasn't an issue. THEN, this off-season, I hear all this talk about "How are we going to get rid of Glenn Perkins?" Boy, that escalated fast. Am I missing something? Perkins (an employee) expressed a problem with his employer. The audacity. Glenn, I don't care if you mutilate cats in your free time. Just be good at baseball.

- Oh, I went inside Target Field a couple of weekends ago. That's right, bitches. In-mother f**king -side. It was no authorized tour. No job orientation. Just a little old-fashioned resourcefulness you can only learn on the mean streets of Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

We were checking out the plaza, and there was some other dude with a box just leaning against the limestone. After a while, a security guard came over and asked the man, "You from Quest?" Then the gate opened. We saw our opportunity. Without hesitation, Child Prodigy spoke up. To this day, it is not known what was said to that security guard, but Child Prodigy's charm paid off. We were allowed temporary entrance.

So then we ran in like mindless idiots and I took three crappy pictures.

- Pat Neshek is the new Joe Nathan. Pass it on.

- To keep me accountable, I'm going to preview some stuff I have been meaning to write, but haven't written. So now if I take another couple weeks off, you'll know that it's not because I have writers' block. It's because I'm lazy.

-Alright Hamilton! top prospects.
-The consequences if Joe Mauer doesn't sign with the Twins (which I told Haas I would write a week ago. whoops)
-Well, somebody has to respond to an article entitled "Accolades not important to Cuddyer."
-Kinda Obscure Jim Henson movies

-BronxBoi's thoughts on Mauer's contract, and maybe a couple of other things

Have a good Wednesday.

Short Joe Nathan Poem

2010-03-09T11:44:00.004-06:00

There's something quite ominous
about his season ending threat
he's the one who ends games
but there hasn't been one yet

it was suggested that they trade him
after he pitched so poorly last fall
But those strib commenters look so smart now
they should be writing poems about baseball

The offseason was productive
they picked up Hudson and JJ
and with the new target field buzz
the stage is sure set for dismay

Alanis Themed Twins Notes

2010-03-08T10:59:00.006-06:00

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I feel bad for Joe Nathan. He was put on a plane from sunny Florida to sloppy Minnesota to get an MRI on his bum elbow. He felt some discomfort after throwing just one pitch. However, it's likely that the pain was just some scar tissue breaking up. We'll see. I only have one thing to say about Joe Nathan: he's old. He's just quite old. Baseball players usually peak at about 28 years of age. Joe Nathan has been around long enough to see the earth circle (elipse?) the sun thirty-five times. Just imagine that. Around and around he goes. He has no concept of time other than it is flying. Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you.

Dome Dog Success

I meant "hot dog success." I'm just accustomed to referring to hot dogs at Twins games as dome dogs. This switch to Target Field is sure tricky. But no one said it was going to be easy. Things change. People change. Baseball venues change.

It's times like these when I look to one person for advice: Alanis Morissette.

I picked up Jagged Little Pill when it first came out. It was probably 6th grade. I must have been a good little ConsumerSheep; I had to have bought it strictly because society told me to do so. Now here's the question: was society right? And further: should I have bought the album? Was it worth it? How do you define worth? How do you define good?

It's a complex question. And the answer changes. I've found that we don't see albums as they are. We see them as we are. This week, I must be awesome. Because that's how I see JLP. In these crazy days, I've found the shrieking Canadian songstress more relevant than ever. She sings of anger, love, frustration, religion, and ultimately, acceptance. The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses falling down. And it's done in a genuine, even humorous way.

Oh Right, The Hot Dogs

Alanis once wrote, "You wait and see when the smoke clears. You live, you learn." I should have listened to her before I wrote my silly obituary/rant for the dollar dog last week. I was reacting to all the anonymous internet rage that flowed after the Dome Dog death was announced. My logic was sound: it'll be hard to make a tasty dollar dog. However, my tone was pessimistic. I should have waited until the smoke cleared.

The Twins and Schweigert announced their partnership today, which will put four different kinds of hot dogs into Target Field concession stands. It's fantastic. Schweigert is a hometown company who happens to make a great hot dog.

I was excited to see that dollar dog night will still exist. However, they've changed it from Wednesday to Monday. And how many Monday games do the Twins play at Tarfield?

May 3rd
June 28th
July 19th
September 6th
September 20th

five.

Injustice! Injustice! Stupid greedy Twins! I'm here to remind you of the mess you made of dollar dog day. It's not fair to deny me, of the dollar dogs that you gave to me. You oughtta know.

Target Field Excitement

OTM has a pretty fun write-up of his Target Field usher orientation. He says that, "no matter how high you set your expectations, TF will exceed them."

Tickets are going to be hard to come by though. The damn thing holds less than 40,000 people, and the Twins are close to selling 22,000 Full Season tickets. There's a realistic chance that every single game will be sold out before the season starts. For the past eight years or so, I've been attending 20-25 games per year. Now we have this beautiful outdoor stadium and I won't see more than ten games this season.

Isn't it ironic?

Garrison Keillor: Three New Twins Join Club in Spring

2010-03-05T12:25:00.008-06:00

Editors Note: This is a hilarious fictional story penned during spring training in 1988, less than five months after the Twins won their first World Series. It was actually, really written by Garrison Keillor and originally appeared in the New Yorker.

My team won the World Series. You thought we couldn't but we knew we would and we did, and what did your team do? Not much. Now we're heading down to spring training looking even better than before, and your team that look pitiful then looks even less hot now. Your hometown paper doesn't say so, but your leadoff guy had a bad ear infection in January and now gets dizzy at the first sign of stress and falls down in a heap. Your cleanup guy spent the winter cleaning his plate. He had to buy new clothes in a size they don't sell at regular stores. Your great relief guy, his life has been changed by the Rama Lama Ding Dong, and is now serenely throwing the ball from a place deep within himself, near his gallbladder. What a shame. Your rookie outfielder set a world record for throwing a frozen chicken, at a promotional appearance for Grandma Fanny's Farm Foods. Something snapped in his armpit and now he can't even throw a pair of dice. Tough beans. Your big left-hander tried hypnosis to stop smoking and while in a trancelike state discovered he hated his mother for tying his tiny right hand behind his back and making him eat and draw and tinkle with his left. So he;s righthanded now, a little awkward but gradually learning to point with it and wave goodbye. That's what your whole team will be doing by early May.

Meanwhile, my team, the world-champion Minnesota Twins, are top dogs who look like a lead-pipe cinch to take all the marbles in a slow walk. My guys had a good winter doing youth work. Last October they pooled their series pay to purchase a farm, Twin Acres, north of Willmar, where they could stay in shape doing chores in the off-season, and they loved it so much they stayed through Thanksgiving and Christmas (celebrating them the good old-fashioned Midwestern way), and raised a new barn, bought a powerful new seed drill to plant winter wheat with, built up the flock of purebred Leghorns, chopped wood, carried water, etc., along with their guests - delinquent boys and girls from St. Louis and Detroit who needed to get out of those sick and destructive environments and learn personal values such as hard work and personal cleanliness. Meanwhile, back in Minneapolis, the Twins front office wasn't asleep on its laurels but through shrewd deals made mostly before 8:15 A.M. added to what they had while giving up nothing in return. It seems unfair.

Other Teams Gnash Teeth or Sulk

It's considered impossible to obtain three top premium players without paying a red cent, but the Twins:

Traded away some useless air rights for Chuck Johnson (23, 187 lbs., 6'1'', bats left, throws left), a native of Little Falls, Minnesota. Maybe that's why the scouts who work the Finger Lakes League ignored his phenomenal season with the Seneca Falls Susans. They figured, "Minnesota? Forget it!" But how can you forget thirty-eight doubles, twenty-two triples, and twenty-nine round-trippers - and in spacious Elizabeth Cady Stanton Stadium! That's a lot of power for a lifelong liberal like Chuck. And what's more, he never struck out. Not once. Plays all positions cheerfully.

Sent a couple in their mid-forties to the San Diego Padres in exchange for Duane (Madman) Mueller (29, 280 lbs., 6'2'', right/right, a.k.a. Mule, Hired Hand, The Barber). Duane is a big secret because after he was suspended by the Texas League for throwing too hard he played Nicaraguan winter ball for three years and then spent two more doing humanitarian stuff, so scouts forgot how, back when he was with the Amarillo Compadres, nobody wanted to be behind the plate, Duane threw so hard. His own team kept yelling, "Not so hard, Man!" If that sounded dumb, then you never saw him throw: he threw hard. A devoted Lutheran, he never ever hit a batter, but in one game a pitch of his nicked the bill of a batting helmet and spun it so hard it burned off the man's eyebrows. No serious injury, but big Duane took himself out of organized ball until he could learn an offspeed pitch. He's from Brainerd, Minnesota, where he lives across the street from his folks. His mom played kittenball in the fifties and had a good arm but not like her son's. She thinks he got it from delivering papers and whipping cake mix. "I'd sure hate to have to bat against him," she says.

Gave up a dingy two-bedroom house in St. Paul (it needs more than just a paint job and a new roof, and it's near a rendering plant) to acquire and activate Bob Berg (24, 112 lbs., 5'3'', right/left), the fastest man on the base paths today (we think), but he sat out last year and the year before last and the year before that because he didn't have shoes. Reason: he's so fast he runs the shoes right off his own feet. Now athletic foot specialist have studied his film clips (sad to see: three lightning strides, a look of dismay on Bob's face, and down he goes with his loose laces like a lasso around his ankles) and come up with a new pair of pigskin shoes with barbed cleats that stick in the turf and slow him down. Born and raised in Eveleth, Minnesota, he is probably the nicest fast man in baseball. Nicknamed, The Hulk ("berg" means "mountain" in Norwegian). He used those three years on the bench to earn a B.A. in history, by the way.

That's Not All

Joining the team later will be Wally Gunderson (17, 191lbs., 6'4'', left/right), who dons a Twins uniform June 8th, the day after he graduates from West High in Minneapolis. The Twins have saved him a number, 18, and assigned him a locker and payed him a bonus, twelve hundred dollars, which was all he would accept. He's thrilled just to be on the team. A big lanky loose-jointed kid with wavy blond hair and a goofy grin, he throws a screwball that comes in and up, a slider that suddenly jumps, a curve that drops off the table, and a stinkball that hangs in the air so long some batters swing twice. You don't expect so much junk from an Eagle Scout, but Wally's got one more: a fastball that decelerates rapidly halfway to the plate - a breaking pitch. Some he learned from his dad and the rest he invented for a Science Fair project. "Pitching is physics, that's all," he says, looking down at his size-13 shoes, uneasy at all the acclaim.

Detroit and St. Louis offered the lad millions in cash, land, jewelry, servants, tax abatements, but he wasn't listening. "I want to play ball where my roots are," he says quietly.

Twinsville wasn't one bit surprised. Personal character and loyalty and dedication are what got us where we are right now, and that's on top. We're No. 1. We knew it first and now you know it, too. You thought we were quiet and modest in the Midwest but that's because your dumb, as dumb as a stump, dumber than dirt.

You're so dumb you don't even know that we're on top and you're below. Our team wins and your team loses; we need your team to amuse us. Minnesota soybeans, corn, and barley; we're the best, so beat it, Charley, or we'll shell ya like a pea pod, dunk ya like a doughnut - sure be nice when the game's over, won't it - take ya to the cleaners to a brand-new hairdo. We can beat ya anytime we want to. Shave and a haircut, two bits.

On Mauer: When do we panic?

2010-03-03T12:18:00.006-06:00

It's fun to be negative. And for a sports fan, it's a great defense mechanism. After all, the pessimist is never disappointed. Yet, even as the Twins stare down the barrel of a gun, it seems most fans are acting remarkably optimistic. Heck, I think a lot of people even forgot about the fact that MAUER IS STILL UNSIGNED.

It's fair to say that everyone believed the free agent-to-be would have signed a lengthy extension by now. I'm wondering why I'm not freaking out. Maybe it's because - a) The Twins had a pretty great offseason and spring training is finally here. b) there are Target Field tickets, games and tours to think about c) No one else is freaking out. The media isn't even reporting or speculating on the negotiations anymore. It's bizarre. and d) It's too terrible to think about him leaving.

Of course, it's just plain hard to be negative in the spring. Still, I can't help but look back at last months Mark Rosen report and think of this:

I Like Him. He's Kinda Like..... (notes on baseball players)

2010-03-02T01:24:00.002-06:00

Jose Mijares

I like him. He's kinda like the cookie monster. He's always going around saying, "cookie cookie cookie!" I swear to god "cookie" was the only English word he knew for his first six months in country. He's also a good guy to have on the team.... because he's great at being the butt of jokes. Oh, he's just so not skinny and so not punctual. But he'll probably do alright this year.

Pat Neshek

I like him. He's kinda like a character from a Matt Christopher book. "The pitcher with the death metal arm." He's coming back from Tommy John surgery, so he's not even a lock to make the club. But in the spirit of spring training, everyone seems to agree that he's going to kick ass. Also, he likes death metal and throws sidearm. He'll probably do alright this year.

Francisco Liriano

I like him. He's kinda like the puppy who lost his way. He was the happiest pitcher in 2006 (in fact his nickname was 'happy'), but his killer slider ended up killing his elbow. Since coming back from Tommy John surgery he's had to learn how to actually pitch. He completely loses his composure with guys on base because he can't bomb his slider in and get the strikeout. This year he may have his confidence back though. Cuz he pitched great in the Dominican winter league. (coincidentally, I expect Alexi Casilla to hit about .350 because that's what he hit in the Dominican winter league.) So, you see, the Francisco was like the puppy. In that, they were both lost in the woods. And nobody, especially Rick Anderson - "society" - knew where to find 'em. Except that the puppy was a dog. But the pitcher, my friends, that was a revolution. He'll probably do alright this year.

Joe Nathan

I like him. He's kinda like your old '86 Pontiac Fiero. He still looks good, but I don't know how much he's got left. Experts still like him, despite his high-profile implosion in Yankee Stadium last October. And of course everyone looks great during Spring Training; Michael Cuddyer said he was filthy. That's a very positive term for a pitcher, and yet it doesn't boost my confidence in Nathan. To me, it means he's throwing a lot of junk with movement and trickeration. I'd rather hear the Twins closer described as over-powering or really really really fast or tourettesy. But whatever, he'll probably do alright this year.

MLB 10: The Show Review & Mauer Commercial

2010-02-28T22:50:00.011-06:00

As any video game sports fan knows, Sony's MLB: The Show is the best baseball game franchise around (Sorry 2K sports, but it's true.) Unfortunately for most people the game is unattainable, seeing as it's only available on the Sony consoles. Since no one plays PS2 anymore, no one ones a PSP and 90% of people use their PS3s as glorified Blu-Ray players most of the people that read this wouldn't think twice about a game like this being released this Tuesday. But then again, most games like this don't have the greatest baseball player that ever lived.... Joesph Patrick Mauer.

One thing you might notice is that the cover actually says Joe's name and his credentials for being in the game right there at the bottom. I have never noticed that before on any game before. Seems to me that maybe the good people at Sony Computer Entertainment don't think that average Joe baseball fan will know who Mauer is. Also, not to get all paranoid or anything but doesn't it seem strange that you can't really see any good Twins signage. Possibly making it seem like a still up-to-date game once Mauer moves West? Possibly.

Anyway, to the game itself. Now since it doesn't come out until Tuesday you might be wondering how I got a chance to play it. I was at Best Buy the other day and I noticed that the PS3 didn't have the normal DJ Hero set up, and there was a big MLB: The Show (MLBTS) poster next to the TV. I thought at first it would just be the demo, but as I started playing I was delighted to find out it was the full build. Now, I should say that I am not 100% sure that it's the final build. The rosters were mostly up to date, Orlando Hudson was noticeably missing from the line up but that could be fixed with an release date online roster update.

The first thing I noticed about the game was that it was surprisingly similar to MLB: The Show 09. And that's not a bad thing, I am glad they didn't try and fix something that's not broken. The game does play smoother and looks noticeably more realistic. They added some features like the Home Run Derby and the All-Stars Futures Game but everything else seems to be the same. Now normally, at this point I would be saying, "if you don't have 60 bucks to drop on basically update rosters, don't. MLB: The Show 09 will do just fine." But then how would you play at Target Frickin' Field?

Target Field looks pretty awesome in the game, obviously the sponsors aren't all there. The big Budweiser sign in left field is replaced by some made up company (I can't remember what it is) but Minnie and Paul are there in center field. And yes, they do light up and shake hands after a home run. It's pretty cool playing in target field in late afternoon and seeing the lighting change and the signage light up. MLBTS now features day light transitions and long games will show shadows grow and the sun start to go down behind stadium.

The main draw of any MLBTS game is the RPG-like single player mode. You can start your career as a draft pick and work your way up to the majors. While last years version was awesome there was room for improvement. Fielding and pitching drills will be added to the already strong hitting and base running modes. But the biggest improvement is the ability to be the catcher in this mode. (Possibly, the main reason for using Mr. Minnesota on the cover.) In catcher mode you will be able to take advantage of knowing all the hot and cold zones and hitting tendencies of all the opposing players and be able to call the entire game from behind the dish. Hopefully, you have a good enough pitcher to see those plans through.

It's clear that Sony really outdid themselves on this game and I have no problem dropping 60 bucks on all these improvements. But I'd be lying if I said that having Joe Mauer on the cover hasn't affected my decision. Hell, I even bought The Bigs.

The Mauer Commercial

The television spot for the video game features Mauer's finest acting performance to date. He's composed, affable and truly engaging. He's like the Joe Mauer of acting. It's hard to say how the producers were able to bring out this previously unseen version of Joe Mauer. Some have suggested the crew and director locked themselves in the studio with the catcher until they got it right. They were there for six days.

Others believe Joe had an acting coach, who taught him radical new acting techniques. Chief among them was the aptly named, "Mauer Method." It's similar to Stanislavski's Method, where the actor immerses their self within the role so deep that the acting is barely even acting: it's the character being natural. The Mauer Method is trickier. It's believed that the other actor in the commercial was paid to go, in character, down to Mexico with Joe Mauer. They drank tequila and went fishing. The baseball player truly thought he was hanging out with the vice president of Sony.

When they got back to shoot the commercial, Mauer thought it was just a video conference. He was truly shocked when the dude didn't know who he was. It's totally believable when he's like, "dude, we went fishing in Cabo!"

Because they did!

Alliteration worthy of sentiment: the dollar dog

2010-02-25T11:05:00.008-06:00

The Twins announced yesterday that their partnership with Hormel has ended, which means the Dome Dog is no more. There was sadness and outrage at the news across Twins Territory, but that probably says more about mid-February in Minnesota than it does the lost hot dog.

I will shed no tears for the Dome Dog. It was a good wiener, to be sure. But it wasn't my first choice of food at a ballgame. The price was outrageous - $5. Do you really want me to list all the items on the McDonalds menu that cost less than $5 bucks? You could get four McChicken sandwiches; I'll just leave it at that. And don't try to tell me that the small bag of disgustingly plain potato chips made up for outrageous price.

Instead, I'll be mourning the dollar dog. I've eaten so many more dollar dogs than Dome Dogs. They weren't the best dogs in the baseball, but I grew to love their salt and vinegar musk and their soggy, ill-fitting bun. On Wednesdays, they only cost a buck! Cheaper than a McChicken!

Even most days when the steamed hot dog cost $3.50, it was still better than most stadiums standard cheapo hot dogs. The dollar dogs at U.S. Cellular are disgusting. Even the famous Dodger Dogs aren't anything special.

Now the Twins face the mighty task of coming up with a good hot dog. Oh sure, there will be plenty of delicious wiener options. Kramarczuk's will ship several different sausages from northeast daily. And if the Twins have any sense at all, they'll have a couple kosher dog stands.

But what about the standard dog? The working-mans dog? They probably think they have no obligation to provide a tasty dog at a (relatively) fair price.

But they do.

Baseball players started playing baseball

2010-02-24T09:41:00.002-06:00

Catchers and pitchers have begun workouts, and most position players have reported as well. It's actually quite romantic. The cold, dark winter ends and the green grass sprouts. It's the beginning of a journey. How will it turn out? We don't know. And that's the beauty of it.

Know what's not beautiful? The Darwin Fish. You've probably seen them stuck onto the rears of cars. They look like Jesus fish except the fish has legs or a tail and there's the word "Darwin" or "evolution" in it's body.

I'm not a Christian by most definitions of the word. Furthermore, I think Chuck Darwin was a righteous dude. But I think the Darwin Fish is silly. It's doing harm to both Christianity and the theory of evolution.

What's the point of slapping one on your car? There are very few bumper sticker messages that can present persuasive arguments; no one is going to believe in evolution simply because they see a Darwin fish. I bet it's actually doing the opposite: turning people away from the theory. Imagine you're a Christian, and you're intelligent and well-educated, and you believe in both Jesus Christ and the theory of evolution. Now you see a symbol that essentially mocks your faith while promoting a scientific theory, presenting the two as incompatible. Which one are you going to choose?

Now imagine you're a Christian who doesn't believe in evolution. Is this Darwin fish going to change your mind? No, it's going to make your angrier. When religious people feel persecuted, they turn into fervently religious people. Also called, "extremists"

Oops. Looks like I went on a rant. Oh well. Anyway, I think spring training is great. I went to a Marlins - Mets game last march in Jupiter where I could've sworn Hanley Ramirez smiled at me. Quite romantic indeed.

Who Works at Target Field anyway?

2010-02-18T00:33:00.004-06:00

After attending a depressing job fair and passing a later drug screen, I was officially offered a job by Delaware North, the Target Field concessions company. I'm supposed to go to a five hour orientation tonight at the new stadium where they'll train me in as a "food runner." I don't know what that means, but it doesn't sound fun. I'm guessing I'd be taking food from a kitchen to the suites or the fancy seats behind the plate. I'd have to wear a bow-tie.

Not Me

I'm not going to take the job. I could use some extra money, and I don't have many other obligations over the next six months. Yet, there's no way I can accept the gig for one simple reason: they expect all employees to work every single home game.

Besides not being able to attend a single game as a fan, I'm not sure you could have much of a life either. The Twins have an exceedingly erratic schedule. Unless you're a professional baseball player, I'm not sure anyone could swing it.

You'd have to be available for:

some weekday evening games.
some weekday afternoon games.
some weekend evening games.
some weekend afternoon games.

And how much would you even work? Let's do some math.

81 home games multiplied by about 5 hours per game = 405 total hours for the season

405 hours divided by the approximate 26 week season = 15.58 hours per week average.

Less than 16 hours a week. Unless they're paying about least $30/hour, you'd certainly need a second job. Even if you're in high school or college it would be tough to do. You'd be working around your spring semester schedule, your summer stuff and then your fall semester class schedule.

He Does

In search of answers, I contacted Andrew from Off The Mark. He was recently hired as an usher at Target Field. He's also a college student at Gustavus. I asked him a few questions:

How did you get the job?

I have a college friend (Craig) that has worked as an usher for the Twins the past few years. I've been looking at getting a summer job since last summer, because I've had very little to do when I'm not in school. So, my parents suggested that I become an usher, and they thought that I could go to Craig for some details. As it turns out, the Twins' policy on hiring new ushers was that they had to be recommended by a current usher, so Craig was my recommendation. I drove up to the Metrodome for my interview in November, and in January I received a call telling me that I was hired.

Are you expected to work every single home game?

Here's something that will probably anger you. For ushers, we have to meet one of two requirements during the season. Either we work a minimum of 40 home games for the season, or we work every weekday afternoon game (by my count, that's only eleven home games. However that's only the minimum, so by doing option 2, it would allow me to work anywhere between those 11 and 39 games). Since I have classes during the day, the second option isn't feasible for me, so it looks like I'll have to shoot for the 40 game plan.

Here's the kicker though. My brother checked this for me, and it turns out that there are only 43 home games during my summer break from college. So, if I have to miss 4 games or more for various reasons (other plans, family vacation, etc.), I have to make up those games while I'm at Gustavus...which likely means that unless I pick a handful of weekend games (yay 1 1/2 hour commute), I'd be leaving at 3:00 pm to get to Target Field an hour before gates open (open at 5:30 pm, so I'd be there at 4:30 pm), I'd work the entire game (until about 10 pm), leave around 11 pm, and get back to Gustavus at about 12:30 am. Throw in my 8 am class that I have 4 days a week, and I'll be a very unpleasant, sleep-deprived usher/student that's behind on finishing his homework.

What else do you have going this summer?

As of right now, nothing. However, my parents suggested getting another job at the TPC in Blaine (same one that hosts the Senior PGA) because I live just a few minutes from the golf course. They figure I could schedule those work days either before I leave for that night's Twins game or when the team is away.

Do you know which sections you'll be assigned?

Not at the moment. I have yet to do my training sessions, which occur on 4 separate days in March. If I don't know my assignments during the training, I'll probably find out after I've finished. However, I do have something to point out...I'll ask the question for you.

How much do you get paid?

I have no clue. I didn't think of asking when I did my interview, and to be honest, I don't really care. Working as an usher is pretty sweet even if I didn't get paid.

What and when are the training sessions?

My four training sessions are called "Team Alcohol Training," "Target Field Orientation" (read: ballpark tour), "Primary Orientation," and "Skills Training." When I applied for the job, I was told in my interview that these training sessions would be very flexible to schedule, and they would run from the middle of February to the end of March. So, I thought, "Sweet! I can schedule all of these on weekends so they won't interfere with school!" Not quite. You see, by flexible, they meant there were plenty of days to choose from. However, this did not mean that all 4 could be done on any day of the week. Two of the sessions were available only on Thursdays, a third only on Mondays, and the last one was Thursdays and weekends. At least I got to pick which days to show up...

Only one of the sessions is on the weekend, and it's on a Sunday (although it's the day after the TwinsCentric party on the 13th, so I have added incentive to go, plus then I can stay home for the weekend). The other 3 days are on March 1st (Monday), and March 4th and 25th (both Thursdays). The weekday sessions are all 6 pm to 9 pm (the Sunday one is 10 am to 4:30 pm), which if you throw in travel time is more like 3:30 or 4 pm to 10:30 pm for me. Additionally, I have a class on Thursdays that normally ends at 4:30 pm, which means that I get to skip part of it so I can get to my session on time. Normally, I'd be pleased to know that, but it's a class that I'm retaking in order to get a passing grade. Skipping the wrong day might be a problem.

Signing up for the training sessions was a bit frustrating, but it's just part of the process (sounds like Dayton Moore, heh?) in becoming an usher. Despite those scheduling issues, I'm definitely happy to be working for the Twins, especially in Target Field. Besides, I've faced adversity much worse than this before. I certainly can't wait for the season to start, and I'm even more excited for when I get to start working for the Twins.

___________________________________

So there you have it. He's a lucky bastard; accepted openly into a loving, understanding a flexible family. I've been grudgingly accepted into a cold, heartless corporation, only after passing a drug screen. At least I got the last laugh. Right?

Promoting Target Field Sterotypes

2010-02-17T17:43:00.006-06:00

They should have built Target Field with a roof. There's going to be snow on the field until mid-May. What were they thinking?

Just kidding. I heart Target Field just the way it is. It may be a bit cold in early April, but we're Minnesotans, for chrissakes. 40 degrees in April will feel downright balmy compared to what we went through the past four months.

But just to placate the snowbirds and national media blowhards, I've created this:

It's a vintage J.C. Penny's snowmobile suit. How rad and Minnesotan will I look at Target Field? Very.
How comfortable will I be?
Extremely.

Throw $20 bucks at me and I might be able to find one for you.

Presidents' Day post (a little late)

2010-02-15T17:37:00.010-06:00

A bit of a downer after the raucous festivities of Nick Punto Day. But presidents are cool, too. Some were even cool enough to like baseball. As baseball became our national past-time, however, all presidents had to at least humor the game. Baseball Almanac chronicles the presidents and their involvement in baseball. Check it out. And here.

- Good old Abe Lincoln was the first to have been known to attend a baseball game. The Washington Nationals beat the Brooklyn Excelsiors 33-28. Then he died and his body got stolen. Happy Presidents Day, you guys!

- Gerald Ford was the only active president to see the Minnesota Twins play. On April 9, 1976, the Twins lost 2-1 in an 11 inning pitchers duel between Bert Blyleven and Gaylord Perry. Ford left early.

Nick Punto: an inspiration

2010-02-12T03:05:00.012-06:00

Role models are complicated. They never fill out role-model applications. There are no role model elections, certificates, or training courses. Role models are unwilling participants in the lives of the young and impressionable.

If you told Nick Punto he was a role model, he would give you his familiar smirk and talk about some humbled aw-shucks-I'm-just-a-baseball-player platitude. But whether he likes it or not, Punto is a role model. Sure, he doesn't have the awards, the fame, or the zillion dollar contract of a superstar. And frankly, he doesn't care about any of that. What he lacks in national accolades, however, he makes up for in the often belittle concept of "hard work."

As cliche as it sounds, that's what Punto does. He puts on his uniform and goes to work day after day. The money is nice, but that's not why Nick Punto plays baseball. Nick Punto plays baseball because Nick Punto plays baseball.

There are times I'm sure he wishes that God blessed him with the homerun-hitting frame of Morneau or the sweet swing of Joe Mauer. But he's over it. Punto has never been one to obsess over personal accomplishments. The success of his team is the only metric that matters to him.

To the delight of cynical saberemathematctioas, his Nobel submission to the greater good of the team is not often quantifiable. So Punto is dismissed as the messiah for the ignorant baseball masses. These saberemathematcuioas, however, are biased toward superficial stats like "vorp" and "war," but overlook real stats like "pitches per plate appearance."

Punto was willing to take the pitches that others weren't. Last year he saw 4.23 pitches per plate appearance. That's more than the stat-conscious Joe Mauer's 4.19. How does Punto see more pitches than superstars like Mauer? One leg at a time. Just like the rest of us.

Nick knows that if he tried, he could hit 30 HRs a year. But does he give in to this temptation? No. He wakes up in the morning, puts on his uniform, and takes pitches so his teammates can study the pitcher and get hits for themselves. The fact is, Punto doesn't care who hits the HR, as long as it's someone on his team. This is a breath of fresh air in the "me,me,me" culture that we live in today.

In Native American legend there is a story about why the Bald Eagle is our national bird. Long ago there was a competition amongst birds to decide which bird could fly the highest and farthest. The winner was to be our young nation's official bird. A swallow knew that the bald eagle was the most capable bird, so it grabbed the eagle's back. The eagle soared to heights previously unimaginable. The swallow proclaimed that it was the bird worthy of the nation's recognition. So, the bald eagle didn't win. It's effort, however, shall never be forgotten, like Nick Punto. In conclusion, Nick Punto is the Bald Eagle of baseball.

Bald Eagle...OF AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

O-Hud, D-Span, N-Punt and Lame Nicknames

2010-02-11T11:45:00.004-06:00

I propose a new nickname for Denard Span: Every Inning. Denard 'Every Inning' Span. It's not a great nickname, but it's better than Span-Man or D-Span. Remember when baseball players had cool nicknames, like Oil Can and Rhubarb Fingers? Those were the days. Now nicknames are either a Chris Berman wordplay or the old, "first initial first name, first syllable last name" thing.

Who's our Governor?
T-Paw.

Who's the backup quarterback?
T-Jack.

Who did the Twins acquire to play shortstop last season?
O-Cab.

Who was that basketball player who released a rap album?
T-Hud.

Who did the Twins sign to play second base last week?
O-Hud.

Give me a break. Orlando Hudson already has a nickname - O-Dog. It's not original or fun, but it's better than O-Hud.

The reason I say Denard Span should be nicknamed "every inning" is that.... you guessed it. He's going to have to play every inning of the 2010 season in centerfield. The Twins have four outfielders including Denard, but the rest of them are natural right-fielders. (Kubel, Cuddyer, Young.)

There's no one else on the roster with any major league experience in center. Except for...

Nick Punto, Super-Utility.

That should just about wrap it up for today. That'll get us thinking about Nick Punto and his various roles and nicknames for tomorrow... NICK PUNTO DAY.

Orlando Hudson's Batting Helmet

2010-02-10T10:41:00.001-06:00

Newly acquired second-baseman Orlando Hudson has plenty of redeeming qualities. He plays great defense, gets on base at a better rate than Matt Tolbert, and wears a double ear-flap batting helmet.

That got me thinking about other Twins who have worn the double-ear flap. It's not the kind of thing you can just look up in the media guide.

I sent an e-mail to Paul Lukas, probably the foremost uniform expert in the country. Here's his reply:

Can't think of any other Twins double-flappers, although there have probably been a few over the years... Hudson has been double-flapping his entire career, so he'll definitely be doing in Minnesota too. Enjoy!

Even though Mr. Lukas was stumped, the Alright Hamilton research team had already come up with Chuck Knoblauch. Old Knobby, old sport. Look at him. And he wasn't even a switch hitter.

I wish Alright Hamilton employed a sports psychologist; we could really have some fun picking apart Knoblauch. Does he have a mental compulsion thing like Jason Segel? He can't wear anything on his head that isn't symmetrical. That's okay. Maybe our psychologist could help us answer other questions, such as: was Chuck Knobluach the most un-twin of all time? He's like a film-noir anti-hero. He helped the Twins win the World Series, but at what cost? He must have had some ulterior motive, like some elaborate scheme to put him in a better position to choke more people. Then again, he didn't seem like the kind of guy who could scheme elaborately.

We don't like our ballplayers to be too different up here in Minnesota. Knoblauch was really different. He was a second baseman who could hit. He was seemingly uncoachable, yet still played really well. That wasn't how life was supposed to work.

Maybe he acted like a spoiled brat because he was spoiled by winning a championship and rookie of the year. After that, he probably imagined that every year he'd bring home some hardware while playing in an intense seven-game World Series. No wonder he was bitter by 1995.

Or maybe the fans are too hard on him, our perceptions skewed by the march of time and our inferiority complex. Whoa Doc, don't turn this back on me.

Of course, any discussion about Twins batting helmets has to include Earl Battey. He invented the flap. Before Battey, everyone just wore John Olderud helmets.

UPDATE:

Commenter HandsOnNight has come up with two Twins who've also worn the double ear flap:

Fans Shift Focus From Whining To Constructing Batting Order

2010-02-05T12:08:00.001-06:00

How does the Orlando Hudson affect the batting order? That's the question many Twins fans are attempting to answer today by feverishly jotting down lineups. Yes, it's out with the old and in with the new for the Twins faithful, who've spent much of the winter complaining about their teams inactivity.

Most Minnesotans have had these thoughts running through their heads, twitters or blogs:

FIRE BILL SMITH. First he screws up the Santana trade, then he trades for the terrible DELMON YOUNG... And now he's content with this joke of a team that can barely win the WORST DIVISION IN BASEBALL.. . . . The whole organization is CONTENT with MEDIOCRITY. They just want to play for the future instead of GOING FOR A CHAMPIONSHIP. ...ALFONSO SORIANO ..HIGH TICKET PRICES . . . . THE YANKEES.... . .. .WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY...ADRIAN BELTRE.. NEW STADIUM. . . .. . . JOE MAUER.... REVENUE FROM TAX FUNDED STADIUM. . . SWEPT IN PLAYOFFS again. . . . . C'MON!

Now that the Twins have finally pieced together a decent off-season, will their followers finally give them credit? Probably not. And even if they gave Billy Smith his due, they'd forget to thank Joe Mauer; for it was he who included a "sign a decent two-hitter" clause into his new contract. Great job.

No, instead of offering apologies, fans will turn their attention to projecting the batting order. Quick! Look up Orlando Hudson's on-base percentage! Compare it to JJ Hardy's! Does Michael Cuddyer's productive September mean he should bat fourth and complete the lefty-righty-lefty-righty-lefty-righty order? Talk about balance! Brendan Harris would make for an above average 9 hitter, but will Gardenhire's man-crush on Nick Punto take precedent? The answers to a few questions only create more questions! Oh, to be a fan!

Span
Hudson
Mauer
Morneau
Kubel
Cuddyer
Young
Hardy
Harris

Of course, old habits die hard for some Twins fans. While filling out their imaginary line-up cards, some undoubtedly came across "3B" and then started howling for Joe Crede or Robb Quinlan. Some fans inexplicably expect the Twins to sign aging starting pitcher Jerrod Washburn, even though they probably haven't spoken to him since they signed Carl Pavano.

WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY.

Old Thome stream of consciousness

2010-02-04T15:02:00.003-06:00

The Twins signed Jim Thome, you guys! Like a while ago. I haven't been procrastinating the Twins-signed-Thome-post. I've been using the time to process the information surrounding his signing. I don't like to rush to judgment when the Twins sign a player. My preferred method of assessing the value of a free agent signing is reading what other sports writers and bloggers write about it...with a mood ring on.

After reading numerous articles and posts, my mood ring continuously shown an enlightening "Indian Red." (Sorry, I apparently have the world's most racist mood ring. It's really old.) According to the mood ring handbook, "Indian Red" means "indifferent." Not exactly a mood if you ask me, but who am I to tell a mood ring handbook it's wrong. Anyway, I guess I'm indifferent about the Thome signing.

He'll be a solid DH against righties and a very nice pinch hitting option. But I couldn't help remember a Jim Thome third-baseman not so many years ago. Of course, it only feels like a few years ago he was doing his thing at the hot corner, but really it has been almost 14 years. I was still methodically blowing into occasionally-working video games the last time Thome was playing 3B. That makes me feel old. And if this makes me feel old, I can't imagine how old the actually old, Jim Thome, must feel.

Jim Thome is a good guy. So when he gets older and worse at defense, it seems most baseball people are permissive. Thome became a 1B because he got older. Then he became a DH because he got older. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with this, but compare this to my boy Miguel Cabrera.

They both transitioned from third to first at about the same age. The perception of these position changes, however, is very different. Cabrera is lazy and ate himself out of any defensive value. Thome, however...well he just got older.

And I understand how much harder it is to keep in shape as you get older. Age is a bitch. Even a few years ago I might wake up in the morning and say, "Hey, it's a nice day. Maybe I'll go for a run." Now I wake up and say, "Hey, it's a nice day. Maybe I'll watch TV with the windows open." I, however, am not a professional athlete.

I have no idea where I'm going with this. Please tell me we've signed Mauer and/or Hudson already.

Essay Contest: Orlando Hudson or Joe Mauer?

2010-02-01T23:44:00.005-06:00

Yesterday, Twins territory was teased by rumors of imminent and important deals. The club was reported to be engaged in "serious discussions" with free-agent second baseguy Orlando Hudson. Plus, Mark Rosen came on the radio to report the Twins and Joe Mauer had agreed "in principal" on a new ten-year contract. It was an exciting day for those of us who follow the Twins disgustingly close.

If both those deals actually occur, it would represent a wild shift in (how most perceive) the teams' philosophy: cheap, cheap and cheap. The payroll would push towards $95 million, which is pretty wild considering they're opening day 2008 payroll was just $56 million.

And that's why all this seems too good to be true. It just doesn't seem possible that the Twins would shell out $3 million to Hudson and $220 million to Mauer; not for Twins fans who have spent half their lives complaining about their clubs frugal ways.

So here's the (strictly hypothetical) quandary: If you can only sign one player, which would you choose?

A few things to chew on:

- Hudson would take valuable at-bats from developing prospect Nick Punto.

- They'd have to sign Mauer to a long, long contract - seven to ten years. By that time he could be 40 to 45 years old.

- Mauer has lots of family in the area, but Hudson has NONE.

- Hudson could hit second in the lineup, instead of Jerry White.

- Mauer is a troublemaker

- Twins would have to get Hudson a new jersey and everything. Mauer already has one.

- A huge Mauer contract would eat up nearly a quarter of the teams payroll. Would the Twins have enough money left for that new dress they've had their eye on?

- Hudson is a shrimp boat captain.

Essays are due by tonight (Tuesday) at 11:55pm CST. Post them in the comments section or e-mail them to me (haasertime (at) yahoo)

Please, no funny solutions like "I think they should first sign Hudson and then use some of the Shrimp Boat money to help keep Mauer Chevrolet afloat to build goodwill with the Mauer Family so he'll sign back with us next winter after we trade him to Seattle for Ichiro in July"

Because I already thought of that.

Don't Even Bother Reading This Blog Notes Post

2010-01-29T09:28:00.002-06:00

- TwinsFest weekend! Back to the Dome we go. Another crack at the dome dog. Oh Boy! Check out our AH TwinsFest Guide we threw together last year. To summarize: it's barely worth attending unless you're a crazy autograph person.

- Our favorite club released their single game ticket prices for the new ballpark. Target Field has the second most pricing sections in all of baseball, featuring three tiers of games (value, select and premium,) a $10 spike in all front-row seats, and more color coding than a care bears movie.

Here's a better map, to help reduce repetitive stress syndrome.

- Did you see this headline? Jose Valverde finalizes two-year contract with... Jose Valverde.

He must take the idea of New Years Resolutions very, very seriously.

- How about this t-shirt? Anyone have experience with screen printing? We should absolutely print up a dozen of these and sell them illegally; not to make a buck, but to spread the love and be awesome pirates.

- I saw this headline on ESPN the other day:

Dawson may wear Cubs hat for speech

Seems like a risky move. Dawson could end up offending a lot of Expos fans in the process.

Caption contest

Mauer Contract Coming Soon?

2010-01-28T13:07:00.004-06:00

There have been very unofficial and unconfirmed rumors swirling that Twins catcher Joe Mauer and the team will come to terms on a new contract soon. Although team officials and Mauer himself remain tight-lipped, a couple people seem convinced the announcement could come within 36 hours.

Star Tribune sports columnist tweeted this morning:

Hum is getting louder that Twins will announce Mauer contract extension as kickoff to Twins Fest.

And former Twins beat writer Howard Sinker reluctantly blogged this:

This one is dicey and I'm hesitant to share. But I'd feel like I was holding out if I didn't ... and I am totally confident you all understand the difference between reporting and passing along web chatter. One of my Facebook friends posted this as his status after going to the ESPN taping with Joe Mauer at Cretin-Derham Hall las night: "Talked to Reilly after the interview and he said Shapiro (Mauer's agent) told him that everyone will be surprised at how quickly things may get done."

It would certainly be perfect timing for the organization, with the state turning it's attention from the Vikings to the Twins, and the annual TwinsFest kicking off Friday evening. With excitement ratcheting up toward the opening of Target Field, the Twins stand to sell a lot of tickets, and a Mauer contract would certainly help. A marketing move this shrill hasn't been seen since the guy who decided to put bumper stickers on the rear bumper.

Baseball and Cigarettes: A Winning Combination

2010-01-26T23:09:00.003-06:00

Hello, my name is Mike and today, I'm thinking about picking up a delicious habit of smoking cigarettes. As a baseball fan, which cigarette brand most appeals to me?

Chesterfield

Look! It's 1946 MVP winners Stan Musial and Ted Williams! And you better believe they know their ABC's. Always Buy Chesterfield. Why? because they're always milder, better tasting and cooler smoking. These two elite ballplayers like them so much, they bought ten packs just for today!

Here's what The Man says about Chesterfield Cigarettes:

When you smoke Chesterfield it's so satisfying to know the one cigarette that's
low in nicotine and highest in quality. And it's so satisfying to know that a
doctor no adverse effect to the nose, throat and sinuses from smoking
Chesterfield.

Yikes. Stan Musial is easily satisfied.

Camel

Look! It's baseball great Lou Gehrig! It appears the he prefers Camel cigarettes for three reasons.

1. They don't get your wind. (What would they do with it anyway?)
2. It's the best part of eating. (The best part? Of eating? He must be doing it wrong)
3. They're mild, therefore, they're great for steady smoking. (Lou Gehrig holds the record for consecutive cigarettes smoked, at 2,130. Teammate Wally Pipp offered him his first.)

Funny, I would have pegged the luckiest man on earth to smoke...

Lucky Strike

If I were a big Brooklyn fan, I'd probably smoke Luckies. The stellar Dodger battery of Don Newcombe and Roy Campanella both "go for Luckies." Newcombe exclaims that he "look(s) forward to coming back to the clubhouse for a Lucky. There's a cigarette that tastes like a million bucks." And apparently that was a lot of money for a ballplayer back then.

Camel, part 2

Camel Cigarettes helped calm the nerves of two different World Series winning teams in back-to-back seasons. They're like the Tom Emanski of cigarettes. Forget Orlando Hudson, Billy Smith has gotta go after R.J. Reynolds!

Matt Tolbert and other Nightmare Scenarios

2010-01-21T22:33:00.000-06:00

Feeling of panic and desperation grip Twins Territory as Bill Smith & Co twiddle their thumbs and spring training looms. Visions of Nick Punto, Matt Tolbert and Alexi Casilla in starting roles tease the consciousness. And recently, the pleas for action took a turn for the ironic when it was discovered the Twins offered grizzled Jerrod Washburn a sizable contract.

Even as the money comes pouring in from the promises of Target Field, the Twins haven't made any public progress on a new contract for our homeboy Joe Mauer.

With only a month before pitchers and catchers report of Fort Myers, the front office a lot of work to do. The nightmare lives, but things could be much worse...

In addition to an unsigned Joe Mauer, Alexi and Tolbert penciled in the lineup, and Jerrod Washburn on the hill, here are some other Nightmare Scenarios

- Meteorologists announce springtime La Nina, which will cause blowing snow and frigid temperatures through much of April and into May.

- Jason Kubel becomes a spokesman for Affliction Appearal, signs on to guest star on MTV's Jersey Shore.

- Justin Morneau announces his conversion to neo-paganism. As a result, he'll follow the 13-month-calendar, which means his September actually occurs in July.

- Pat Neshek re-injures his surgically repaired elbow while moshing with his hardcore death metal band.

- Glen Perkins follows the advice of his personal quack medical team and switches arms, becoming a righty. He is completely untradeable.

- T.C. the Bear doesn't wake up from hibernation.

- Joe Mauer announces that he hates hotdish.

- Spring training trade: Twins send JJ Hardy to the Brewers for Carlos Gomez.

Who is Danny Valencia?

2010-01-21T02:10:00.006-06:00

When discussing the options the Twins have at third base, the conversation usually begins with Matt Tolbert, Brendan Harris or Nick Punto and then progresses to Melvin Mora or Joe Crede. Puuuke. Luckily, the conversation always ends with one name: Danny Valencia.

Any potential opening day third baseman is consistently referred to as a "placeholder" for Valencia. Who cares who's playing third base, he'll only be around until the great Danny Valencia is done being seasoned at Rochester. Every time. And it's kind of annoying actually. It's just like how any Star Wars article or news item will have a comment section with a mention of Han Solo shooting Greedo.

When George Lucas was digitally messing with the original Star Wars trilogy for re-release in 1997, he made some slight changes. Remember when Jabbas' goon Greedo confronts Han Solo about some late payments and tries to blow his head off? Luckily for Han, Greedo misses and he's able to shoot him under the table. This is different from the original 1977 version, when the swashbuckling Han kills Greedo before he even thinks about firing.

I agree with most Star Wars fans that Hans' preemptive killing of the goon was key to his character development. Keep in mind that he had been introduced only moments before, and had only been talking shop with Luke and Obi-Wan. Han's drama sequence should definitely portray him as a shoot-first, rogue badass scoundrel smuggler; instead of some dork in a vest who just allowed a green guy to get the drop on him.

There isn't really another side to the argument. No one is disagreeing. That's why it's so confusing to see this statement sprinkled across the internet "HAN SHOT FIRST" han shot first. Han shot First!

Oh sure, it's an undeniable example of how crazy old George Lucas is corrupting the franchise. It's like saying, "I know more about your movie than you do - and it's your movie." Well congratulations, because the phrase has officially been done to death.

Every corner of the internet where anything Star Wars is discussable, someone says, "yeah, but who shot first?" knowing full well someone will respond with "Han" or even this picture of George Lucas wearing a 'Han Shot First' tee shirt. If someone answered facetiously with, "greedo," they'd probably get torn apart because they take this thing is taken Very Seriously.

Anyway, I think Danny Valencia is pretty good. He's 25 years old with an above average glove and gets on base at a pretty good clip. But he probably won't make the all-star team. Ever. And if he found himself in a dark cantina, some green doofus would probably turn him into bantha fodder before he could even unholster his blaster.

Joe Mauer Google Clues

2010-01-19T23:19:00.001-06:00

If Joe Mauer doesn't play for the Twins in 2011, it would be a major blow to my fandom. I don't want him to play for anyone else, but if he played for the Yankees, I'd be especially nauseous. I'd be so mad at Billy Smith that I'd probably puke. I'd find him and I'd puke on him.

There hasn't been any news at all about the negotiations. I've been desperately searching for any clues about Mauers' intentions.

But I wish I hadn't, after I discovered this..