RETRO BALLPARKS!!! WEEEEEE!!!!!!

Isn't it cool how retro the Ranger's Ballpark in Arlington looks? Just kidding. It looks ridiculous. I've never been there, but on TV it looks like the different sections are in a competition to look the most retro.

As it has been pointed out:

The stadium is a mismatched collection of counterfeit parts: You can make out
bits of Camden Yards (the red-brick exterior and general air of ye olde ballpark), Tiger
Stadium (the home run porch), Yankee Stadium (the frieze), Fenway Park (the
out-of-town scoreboard, since removed, that was built into the left-field wall), Comiskey Park (the arched
windows), Ebbets
Field (the quirks of the outfield dimensions, in this case wholly artificial).

I like the history of baseball as much as the next guy. But when your ballpark purposely obstructs views and has unnecessary quirks in the outfield as an offering to the god of baseball history, it's just fraudulent.

So, I'm glad Target Field is awesome. Because let's be honest, it could have not been very good and we would have been happy. Anything other than the Hubert H. would have been an improvement and, therefore, satisfactory.

Target Field raises your "retro" with a "unique." Yeah, we're doing the exterior of our stadium with mother f****** limestone. What are you gunna do about it? It's from Minnesota, it looks awesome, and it's never been done before. What.

There, of course, is more awesomeness to TF than this blog can handle. So if you are interested, make sure you check out the Twins Ballpark 2010 link on our page.

In TB2010's last post it talked about seat prices. They look pretty good, but obviously quite a bit higher than the dome. I know the dome sucks to watch baseball in, but...boy those seats were cheap. Perfect for a poor college student.

Now tickets are a bit more expensive, but who cares!!!! I mean, do you really have to pay back student loans?

What the hell did we do in the off-season?!?!

The All-Star Break is dumb. Just a few more hours until Twins baseball resumes. Hang in there, people.

Until then, here's some stuff

- If you ever wondered how many degrees of separation there are between Paul Molitor and Kevin Bacon, the answer is four (or fewer, maybe):

Molitor was in the made-for-TV movie sensation Falling For You with Jennie Garth. He really poured himself into his dynamic character "Jogging Cop." His devotion paid off. He was both believable as jogging and as a cop. Anyway, Garth was in The Last Cowboy with Lance Henriksen who was in Scream 3 with Neve Campbell who was in Wild Things with Bacon.

Wait, made-for-TV movies don't count in the Bacon-degrees-of-separation game? They should.

- Did you know President Obama was at the All-Star Game!?!? You would think that such a die hard White Sox fan would know that it's Comiskey Park not "Cominskey Field."

- I find all old-timey baseball fascinating. Ty Cobb is no exception. He certainly belongs on any list of the most dangerous men in sports. This 1930 radio interview is great. First, I love how Southerners in the 1930s talked. There's a lot of good stuff in the interview, but my favorite part is when he talks about his off season work out (4:24).



To summarize Cobb's off-season workout: eat two meals a day and walk a lot with heavy shoes.

You guys hear Mauer and Zach Greinke exchange pleasantries after Greinke's inning? It was something like:

M: Nice job

G: That's 2-0.

M: I know. We did the futures game. You threw good.

G: You should do it for the Royals.

M: Ha, well it's better catching you than trying to hit off you.

See, Mauer's a nice guy. I would have told Greinke "Piss up a rope. The Royals suck."

- Some robots are good (Roomba). Some robots are military robots that could feed on dead bodies (Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot).

- In even more startling robot news, now Monkeys can CONTROL ROBOTS WITH THEIR MINDS!!! This is a slippery slope, my friends. Sure they start out by "reach(ing) out to grab, and turn a handle." Next: poop throwing robots.

- Heh. This guy got charged $23 quadrillion for a pack of cigarettes.

- Hey, you guys want to kill some doves? Of course, you do. And who doesn't? Well friend, you're in luck. You can go to Argentina and shoot as many Eared Doves as your heart desires. Is there anything more American than spelling "USA" with the dead carcases of another country's doves?

Didn't think so. Happy Friday everyone.

First Half Review: AL Central Shipwrecks

Cleveland Indians - Lusitania - The Lusitania was an English ocean liner that was torpedoed by a German sub in 1915. The killing of 1,198 passengers helped change public opinion against Germany, and helped set the stage for The Great War. Likewise, Mark Shapiro and Eric Wedge thought they could sail to the top of the AL Central without problems from the rest of the division. They made small upgrades by adding Kerry Wood and Mark DeRosa, but ignored warning signs about their lack of starting pitchers, and ultimately, were shot down. Like the Lusitania, the horrific sinking of the Indians won't come without repercussions. Cleveland will realize the changes that need to be made, and have a much stronger second half.

Kansas City Royals - Edmund Fitzgerald - The Royals are taking on water, with a payroll $70 million dollars more than Dayton Moore's wallet weighs empty. They're a lot like the Edmund Fitzgerald - people know of them, but they don't know them. If it wasn't for that song, no one would know the tragic story of the shipwreck, and if the Royals didn't play the Yankees twice per season, no one would know how bad they are. It's no big loss when Kansas City sinks, because only 29 people care.

Minnesota Twins - USS Monitor - The Civil War Ironclad USS Monitor changed the face of naval battle by making shrewd trades and developing young talent. Impervious to enemy fire, (at least until the playoffs) the Twins set the standard for other organizations. However, the design was so fragile that one wrong move would send them under. Choppy seas and one small, but crucial design element (TB trade) sunk the Twins. The Monitor was still a revolutionary ship. The blueprints are there. Can Billy Smith realize his error, tweak the design and build a great ship?

Chicago White Sox - Bismarck - The White Sox sunk our favorite battleship in game 163 last season, now we want revenge. The Bismarck is the most feared ship in the division, made of pure evil, and built to destroy. Sink the Bismarck.

Detroit Tigers - Titanic - Sure, the Tigers are on top now. Built several years ago at a large cost, they're just bulky and immobile now. Guess what, Tigers? Iceberg, dead ahead!

Joe Mauers Rap Song

Michael Cuddyer spilled the beans, embarrassing the pants off Joe Mauer by revealing that he raps. He claims no one will ever hear the recorded rhymes, but we've managed to grab a yellowing notebook page on which the following words were written.

Socializin' and speaking was never my forté
But I learned all I need from my dad's Hit Away
Ya know I could have gone and played football at Florida State
But hometown guy, playin for the Twins, yeah it was fate
Now I play in Minneapolis underneath a dome
I hit bombs, write rhymes and rock my sideburn comb
I put a studio in my house so I can work on my flow,
but when I'm stumblin on my words, I just say, 'ya know'

chorus:
A sweet swing in the spring, you know I'm Joe Mauer
Takin on all comers in the summers, and now I've got power
Still playin ball in the fall, hittin homers by the hour
If you didn't know then, by now ya know I'm Joe Mauer

Millions of marriage proposals every night is what I gets
and I'm not sure the occupation in which I'll have more hits
Ya know it hasn't always been money and fame
I had to go thru hell before garnering this acclaim
and my road to the top has never been told
I never got no movie like 8 mile road
Middle class S.T.P, and a private catholic school
You think that sounds easy but I think that you're a fool

[chorus]

Tons of natural talent won't get you to the top
unless you're workin' hard, you'll be a Delmon - flop
I wasn't built to withstand this kind of prominence
I've had to block it out to maintain that dominance
I'd strike out once and I was on the front page
Ya know that ain't too easy at such a susceptible age
And through all that I became a better man
Ya know I could hit .350 with just a frying pan

[chorus]

Caption Contest

I just saw this jewel of a picture of the M&M Boys livin' it up in St. Louis last night. They were asking for captions over at the Star Tribune but 99% of the submitted answers were terrible and I thought we here at AH! could do much better.

I'm sure Mauer lost some kind of bet and was forceably dragged out on the town with the Molson-King Morneau. Either way it's kind of nice to see the two out instead of at home doing puzzles and creating new scrapbook pages like I assume they do during most of their free time. If you take a good look at the picture I think it's safe to say Justin is a couple sheets to the wind.

So let's have it. What are your best captions to go along with this fine photo?

The Not too early for Halloween Costume Ideas Post

I know its only July but I was drinking adult beverages Saturday Night and thought of a great costume for the upcoming Halloween Holiday. I'm going to be David Lee Roth as the bus driver in the Hot For Teacher Video (0:36):



But the kicker is that I'm going to sneak into the background of every group of hot, naughtily-dress females who are taking photos of themselves, and do the patented David Lee Roth "Woooahhh!" while grabbing my hat. (as demonstrated 2:46 seconds in to his California Girls Video)



Sneaking in or "Crashing" hot chicks photos was inspired by the greatest blog post ever created.

What are you going to be for Halloween? Might as well start brainstorming now, because, before you know it, you'll realize that Halloween is tomorrow and you'll have to settle for something really lame.

Second Half Questions: The Bullpen

Now that the season has reached the half-way point, it means it's time for Alright Hamilton to break down the team's weaknesses and strengths while putting together a plan to improve the team. Because we're a sports blog, and that's what we do.

It's more fun to focus on a specific weakness than heap praise on a strength, so let's just jump right into it. The bullpen.

The path between Rochester and the Metrodome is as worn out as a 47-year old stripper, and the Twins are still no closer to solving their problems. They've had twelve different pitchers throw at least one inning in relief:

Joe Nathan
Jesse Crain
Matt Guerrier
Juan Morillo
RADickey
Jose Mijares
Luis Ayala
Bobby Keppel
Craig Breslow
Brain Duensing
Sean Henn
Philip Humber

While reading those names, I get the same foggy remembrance, (hey I remember that guy!) as I do when I look at mid-nineties Twins rosters. The funny thing is that Gardenhire and Anderson have done a decent job piecing this thing together, turning the weakness from glaring to noticeable.

Solution time

What if I told you the Twins already own the rights to a relief pitcher with an outstanding history? You'd probably be intrigued. If you're not, you'd have already stopped reading. And if you genuinely think I have an acceptable solution, you should stop reading anyway, because you're going to be disappointed. This man has thrown 12o major league innings, sports a 2.91 ERA and has 142 strikeouts to just 37 walks. That's right, it's Pat Neshek. He was almost an All-Star just two years ago.

Neshek would be a great addition, as he would give the Twins a true eighth inning guy, the much needed bridge to closer Joe Nathan. The vegan would probably take the role from decidedly non-vegan Jose Mijares.

It's too bad he can't pitch this year on a count of his 0ff-season Tommy John surgery.


Continuing the in-house solutions, let's take a look at the minors. What if I told you there's an arm pitching in Rochester with a major league resumé, playoff experience and a great fastball?